*Honestly, of all the lesbian things to happen on this show, this is the absolute most lesbian of all. Tell me you haven’t had this conversation with your girlfriend at least twice already this week:
Paige: I’m so excited about this thing!
Emily: I’m sorry I’m not more excited on your behalf; I’m just all over the place right now.
Paige: Yeah, I kind of noticed. What can I do to help?
Emily: Uh, you can stop trying to fix me, for starters.
Paige: Aw, Ems, don’t feel like I’m trying to fix you. I just want to stand up under your emotional burdens with you and keep you from teetering over a cliff of psychological doom.
Emily: Don’t feel? Don’t feel? Well, I do feel! My feelings are what I feel and they are real and they are mine and don’t you tell me not to feel them!
And as Emily storms away Paige is like, “Well anyway, I did win that race after all, and I set a new state record! THANKS FOR ASKING!”
In the computer lab, Hanna shows the Liars all the research she’s been doing and Spencer has to sit down for a second because she’s overcome with the vapors. By Googling “labor day blonde alive/dead girl bitch” Hanna has discovered a parallel dimension where another group of Liars had an Ali go missing. She emailed these AU!Liars to see if they want to grab a bite and commiserate but before they can firm up their plans, a newsreel from the ’50s fires itself up on the projector and A has encoded a message onto it that is a double-dog dare: Whoever finds Ali first gets to keep her. Which, I mean: OK, fine. You can have her, A. She’s a monster and we couldn’t give a fuuu—oh, wait. Never mind. We still inexplicably care what happens to the monster. Our monster, I guess.
There’s a strange man in Spencer’s kitchen, making a sandwich, looking really intense and stressed out, cross-examining the pickles. After a moment, Spencer realizes this is the man who provided the sperm that fertilized the egg that replicated the cells that gave her life, and she also remembers that he did the same thing for an egg one time in Jessica DiLaurentis’ womb. “Sir,” she says. “I mean, um … father? Dad? Yeah. Dad, can you help me find my half-brother Jason.” AND NO HE CANNOT. He tells Spencer to stop looking for Jason and stop talking to Jessica DiLaurentis and when she agrees to do only one or the other, he says he’ll track down Jason and make sure he’s alive.
Spencer then turns her attention to Toby who has gathered signed affidavits from literally every employee to ever work at Radley Institute for the Criminally Insane saying that his mother did not commit suicide but was, in fact, thrown from a sanitarium window. But it is not enough! He wants Radley’s parent company, a giant healthcare conglomerate, to release a statement saying that Marian Cavenaugh died in an accident and not in a suicide! Toby. Sigh. You know how people say “Go big or go home?” I know you know because I am looking at your hair while I am typing this. Well, this storyline with your mom, it’s time to take that one home and lock it up and never speak of it again.
Spencer says she is a mouse and Radley’s parent company is an elephant and she’s going to spook them and keep this storyline going indefinitely.
Dammit Spencer! The face I am making at you right now is this face!
At The Brew, Hanna tries to convince Aria and Emily to have a coffee date with her and the AU!Liars but Emily is sharpening some knives and loading some guns and polishing some nun-chucks and mumbling under her breath about “…and stay dead this time.” Hanna goes, “Dude, what is your deal right now?” Emily glowers at her and breathes real raggedly about, “My deal is my deal and I feel what I feel!!!!” Emily’s rage would be Seussical. They are interrupted by the sight of a beautiful hobo strolling through the front door like the kind of guy who just got home from Uncle Jamie’s Bean Farm and not a desaturated alter-world where he keeps dying and coming back to life. Hanna kisses his face. In the background, Aria swoons. Emily uses a sword to chop a couch in half.