“Pretty Little Liars” recap 4.12: The Chamber of Secrets


Toby and Spencer settle onto the couch and snuggle up and watch TV and give their brains a break from all the Marion Cavanaugh gobbledegook they’ve endured this season. Did she jump from her window? Was she pushed from her window? Did Marion Cavanaugh secretly know parkour? Who cares: The second season of Revenge is finally on Netflix.


Jake and Aria’s date night is as boring as every other date night they’ve ever experienced. To me, the ultimate awesomeness is when you’re in love with someone who loves to be boring with you, but it only works when you’re actively being boring together, not when you’re so bored of each other and each other’s stuff that you develop narcolepsy. Aria stops the movie and Jake wakes up and says, “Turn it back on, it was putting me into a coma and I could really use the rest.” But Aria kisses him goodnight and kicks him out and then be-bops on down to The Brew to hear the morbid poetical stylings of the town’s new Poe. Guess who she runs into? You’ll never guess. OK, yes you will. It’s Ezra. He says the new Poe reminded him of Aria in that he was pretentious and obsessed with death. “Remember that one story you wrote, Found But Lost? About that cat that wore a cat costume over a dog costume over a gopher costume and ransacked your dad’s office and then got buried alive? I always thought that story was about Alison.”

They chat about art things and it’s always heady to chat to someone with a cute face about art things so Aria smooches his lips mid-art things talk and then they both pull away and act stunned and shy and talk about art things some more.


Caleb and Hanna stake out Mona’s house. He thinks Mona is upstairs watching from her window, getting off on the fact that Hanna is so worried about her, and he’s probably not wrong, but at least he’s here and at least Hanna is letting him be here, which is more than she’s let him do most of the rest of the season. It’s fitting and also sad and also hilarious that Caleb and Hanna are spending their last night together cuddled up in the car stalking Mona. Mona couldn’t have orchestrated that plan better if she’d used blackmail and extortion and blood-soaked animatronics: “Follow me, end up in lesbians with me.”


And finally, at Paige’s house, Emily is staring out the window waiting for whatever car is about to crash through whatever wall, muttering a steady stream of worry about Cece murdering Mona. Paige pulls her away, brushes her hair out of her face and quiets her mumbling with a finger to her lips. “Emsy,” she says, “Mona poisoned you with your own sports cream. Cece called you ‘Americano’ like nonstop. They’re both monsters. Maybe they’ll kill each other, which they both deserve. Maybe we can not talk about them for one night and do other stuff.” One of those stuffs gets taken right off the table when Paige’s dad shouts, “DOOR!” Paige opens her bedroom door and rolls her eyes and apologizes that her parents are so strict. Emily says it’s cool, that they’d act the same if Paige had a boy up in here, and then they burst into laugh-tears and remember when Paige tried to go out with Sean that one time to prove to herself that she was straight.

(“And then you came to my house and came out and kissed me!” “And then you met Samara, the worst GSA counselor ever, who tried to shove me out of the closet at her pace!” “And then you murdered Samara and dumped her body in Face Lake!” “And then your other girlfriend’s murderer tried to murder me!” “And then Spencer had a sex dream about you!” “Wait, what?”)


Seriously, though, for the first time since the Halloween train, Emily finally feels safe. In Paige’s bed in Paige’s room in Paige’s lap, she falls right to sleep. You always knew Paige was one of those girls who wouldn’t stop stroking your hair and your arm and your back after you fall asleep. She’d keep on doing because she’d want to comfort you even in your dreams. She kisses Emily’s head and sighs contentedly and offers up a prayer to the cowboy gods, thanking them for those chaps.

It’s nice that all the Liars get a small reprieve to be loved on for a second.

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