“Pretty Little Liars” recap 4.12: The Chamber of Secrets

 
 

Rosewood High. French Club is as absolutely awful as you think it is, just berets and baguettes and an Eiffel Tower and no one even bothering to mask their contempt for English-speaking persons. Emily has to resort to the French app on her phone from when she was in Haiti, and if Paige wasn’t already disgusted enough with this pantomime, the mention of the dominion of Rumer Willis seals the hate inside her heart. Emily asks in broken French if French Club Jackie has seen Mona, and French Club Jackie rapid-fires French back at them. Paige’s scowl gets scowlier and scowlier until she finally goes, “OK, cut the crap, Jackie. Where the fuck is Mona? Say it in English and get those croissants out of my face!”

Turns out French Club was throwing Mona a Get Out of Radley Party, but she didn’t show.

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Isn’t that amazing? How many Get Out of Radley Parties do you think the clubs in this school have thrown for that girl? Five to ten each, at least. Right? Does she just post it on her website page the night before she’s getting out and then everyone scrambles to get cupcakes and decorations? Or do you think they just keep the supplies on hand so they’ll always be ready? Probably that’s how they do it.

Toby is in his loft ignoring calls from his girlfriend and crying and crying and crying, presumably because he one time got to do jogging and hot tubbing with Spencer and now all he does is join the A-team and listen to his dead mom sing and stare at boxes full of his dead mom’s stuff and visit Dr. Palmer and pretend that his girlfriend is his mom, who is dead. He rides a raft down to the coffee shop on a river of his own tears and spots Shana Costumeshop filing away various bills of lading and death certificates for the packages and people she transports to and from Ravenswood in Jenna’s car all day long. She conveniently leaves one of the shipping labels behind. It is addressed to Wren Kingston, who is in London, where also Melissa is, with her blazers. Toby calls Spencer to give her the news, not because he has forgiven her for telling her best friends that he’s doing A-stuff that is endangering their lives and the lives of their parents, but because he wants to let her know that her boyfriend is tag-teaming with Melissa.

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(“Wait, you’re working with my sister?” “No, your other boyfriend!” “Debate Team Andrew? I took off my bra for that guy one time!” “No, your other-other boyfriend!” “Are you being weird about Paige just because I had one sex dream about her?” “WREN! YOUR BOYFRIEND WREN!” “Ohhhh.”)

Spencer explains as calmly as possible that Toby can’t just disappear without warning, even if he’s pissed, because: a) It’s a total asshole move to punish her for something that’s his own damn fault, and b) Sometimes when he leaves in an unexplained huff, his fake body turns up dead in the woods and Spencer goes cuckoocachoo down to Radley. He agrees he’s acting like a dick. Yes, about not returning her calls or texts. But also because A has proven over the course of four seasons that she is a sadistic, pathological liar and so trusting her to tell the truth about his dead mom — which, no matter what, still results in the endgame of his dead mom being dead — at the expense of Spencer and her friends is like the most selfish/pointless thing ever. Toby is sorry. Spencer forgives him: “It’s OK, honey. If perfect Caleb were ever to leave town forever and Ezra turned out to be the ultimate mastermind behind our demise, you’d be the best boyfriend in town.”

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Reach for the stars, men of Rosewood!

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