Paige is like, “I’ve read Lost Girl fanfiction that isn’t this explicit, dude. And that show is about a succubus.” Emily snatches the recommendation letter from her and marches off to Mr. Fitz’s classroom to get a second opinion on its appropriateness. Ezra hasn’t shaved or eaten or showered or slept and he tells Emily to get back to him when she’s got a real actual problem, like there’s a car parked in her living room and her parents can’t afford for her to go to college and she can’t get a scholarship if she can’t swim and so probably she’s going to live in Rosewood, slinging coffee and getting violated at massage parlors and having Cece Drake stare up her skirt for the rest of her life. Like when any of that shit happens, get back to him. Right now he’s got a noggin full of stuffed animal names and no children made up of his DNA to share them with.
Caleb and Hanna make hoedown plans, too, although she continues to feel exactly zero urgency about spending time with him even though he only has like 45 minutes left on this show. She’s reluctantly agreeing to go two-stepping with him when she finds an an envelope full of hundred dollar bills in her locker, stuffed into an envelope from Cece’s old snake-wrangling boutique. (Remember that time when Aria and Ezra’s brother spent like two full on-screen hours freaking out about spilling wine or something on the carpet at Cece’s boutique? Remember when he slung that pizza at that guy’s head?) It’s not the weirdest way Hanna has ever received a wad of cash from an unknown source. One time she found three thousand dollars taped to paper towels in a public restroom, but she still feels squirrely about it. She tucks the money into her purse and gets out of there.
She goes to The Brew and guess who follows her? The guy who’s been creeping on her all day at school. She accosts him and tells him whatever NAT Club bullshit he’s up to, he can just stop it right now, because at this point there’s pretty much nothing keeping her from snapping a person’s neck in broad daylight.
Aria, you will be shocked to hear, is faring much better than either of those Eeyores. Jake is waiting for her outside of school and she asks him to go to the hoedown and he says yes and they kiss and the world is all kittens and butterflies and cookie dough ice cream.
Spencer and Toby are sitting in the truck she bought him with the money she procured when she pawned Melissa’s engagement ring in that Great Gatsby town. Those details aren’t relevant; I just love that story. So, she’s trying to talk to him about who would give Hanna all that cash, and why. If Spencer is leaning toward benevolence, someone is trying to help with Ashley’s lawyer bills. If Spencer leaning toward some kind of set-up, which is her default position, something something Cece Drake. Toby doesn’t care. He wants to talk about his dead mom some more and his yearning only gets stronger when he turns on the truck and his mom starts crooning in stereo surround sound, that song she sang from that sheet music A delivered to Toby. When Spencer finally realizes what is, she flips out, crying and clenching her fists and absolutely shrieking, “TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF I CANNOT DEAL WITH ONE MORE MINUTE OF THIS STORYLINE TOBY I AM SERIOUS TURN IT OFF.”
Toby takes out the CD and on it is a note saying there’s so many more of these CDs of his dead mother singing, so of course he dials up Dr. Palmer to ask if he’s got a full record collection of his mom yodeling or whatever. Somehow that’s going to prove she was murdered and didn’t kill herself, which still results in the same endgame of having a dead mother, so I don’t know. He actually wants to drive up to Dr. Palmer’s asylum right this second to get more of the not-answers he always supplies, but Spencer’s got important shit to do, specifically: crawlspaces and hoedowns.