Homeless Emily is making tea for the deranged mother of the ghost who has been ruining her life by degrees for the last four years, because of course she is. (“May I please wake up from this brainwashing hypnosis where you’re trying to convince me I bashed in my best friend’s skull, please, if it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience for you, please.”) Mrs. D invites her to sit down and share a cuppa and a story or two about how Ali isn’t really dead. Mrs. D is like, “To be honest with you, after she died, I once saw her in the park wearing a mask of her own face, just out for a jog in front of God and everybody.” Emily’s like, “No, I understand. I mean, she’s rescued me from two near-death experiences, she visited Hanna in the hospital, she stole some stuff from Aria’s closet, and she watches Spencer sleep at least one night a week. I even made out with her one of those times that she — oh, that’s right. You don’t know. I’m gay.” Mrs. D smiles, pats Emily’s hand, says, “Ali always said you liked Beyonce a little too much. You’re such a sweet little thing, Emily Fields. I wish my daughter had been in lesbians with you too.”
Perfect. This episode is so perfect. “My dead daughter is alive.” “I know. I’m gay.” “I know. With Pigskin. Ali would have gotten such a laugh out of that, bless her.”
On her way to Kung Fu Jake’s kung fu game, Aria stops by the address where Caleb said Cece ordered cable TV. A kind of hot, very angry college student is packing her shit into her car in such a huff. She recognizes Aria as one of the girls who was girls with Ali at the party where Ian tried to date rape some sorority sister or another and Ali pushed her roofied ass right down the stairs and broke her neck. As Aria’s walking up, this bitch just goes, “Oh, hell, it’s Ali’s girl. You remember when Ali was girls with Cece before Ali got her expelled from college for murder? Well, if you see your girl tell her to tell my girl she owes me like six months rent, girl.”
I wanted so badly for her to be loading Tippi the Bird into her passenger’s seat.
Lesbians get murdered in the DiLaurentis house like toys get built at the North Pole: All day, every day, by magic. So Ms. D goes ahead and leaves that front door unlocked to keep the homicide quota on track. Hanna takes advantage of the opporunity to waltz right in and start rifling through Ali’s jewelry box. You think she’s going to find a key that fits into the back of decapitated teddy bear’s head that holds a flash drive that plays a video of a clown pantomiming a series of clues that leads to an artisan shop staffed by children whose tongues have been cut out by a robot wearing a mask of Ms. Grunwald’s face. But no! It’s even better!
Red coat walks into the room behind Hanna, wearing an Ali mask, and stares at her face in the jewelry box mirror for like ten full minutes, before dancing right out of the room! And Hanna doesn’t even notice it! It’s terrifying! IT’S AMAZING!