Things are going just about as well as you’d expect over at the old DiLaurentis crypt. Jessica just found out her husband is divorcing her because she’s batshit crazycakes insane and 100 percent unhinged. Only Emily — seriously of all people on earth, only Emily — could summon the empathy to feel Mrs. D’s pain on this one. Sure, she’s full-on bananatrousers, but that doesn’t make her feelings any less real!
Speaking of Feelings, Ezra has invited Maggie over for cake and also to tell her that when he was trying to build a case to seize full custody of Malcolm from her, he discovered that Malcolm isn’t even his kid. I mean, obviously this is exactly where this story was going. As soon as Veronica told him to prove paternity last week, you knew he was going to find out he’s only an imaginary father. But that doesn’t make his meltdown any less awesome. He cries and cries and lists all the ways he and Malcolm have bonded over these many … weeks, right? It’s only been like three weeks of Rosewood time since the Midnight Express, yeah? Anyway, the bonding:
“Malcolm and I went to the emergency room that time when Aria neglected him and he broke his face. I had that panic attack that time he ran out into the street from the bookstore to chase down Aria and that meathead she’s been getting coffee with. Don’t you remember? I saw his hand on the small of her back and burst into tears and hyperventilated? Right there on the sidewalk? Malcolm was a part of that story. And then there’s that little game he made up about his Thomas trains, the one where Percy the cheeky saddletank makes a pact with the devil, exchanging his soul for every worldly pleasure. Faustian talking trains! He’s a boy genius! I thought he was mine!”
Maggie weaves a yarn about getting blitzed at a party when she and Ezra were on a break in college, but he won’t hear it. The only thing better than this would be watching Diane Fitzgerald respond to this.
Hanna takes some paperwork over to Veronica’s office for her mom and finds Caleb lurking real shadily on the street corner. She’s like, “You were about to roll up in there and tell Veronica about A, weren’t you? Despite my strict orders to never tell any grown-ups about our omnipresent ghost stalker, that is exactly what you were going to do, isn’t it? Isn’t it, Caleb?” That is, in fact, exactly what he was going to do, but she is willing to forgive him. For one thing, she seems to finally, intuitively understand that he will be moving to Ravenswood in about three minutes, and also he says the phrase. You know the one. “Your enemy is everywhere and nowhere.” The last person who said that was Mona, and if Hanna can move past the way Mona keeps almost murdering her, she can definitely move past the way Caleb wants to stop Mona from murdering her.
Wren watches them make out on the street, which makes me think Caleb is the person Wren was talking to earlier, like, “I’ll keep Hanna away from Mona if you’ll tell Veronica that Mona is off her meds and doing adrenalized hyperreality again.” Maybe they both want to keep Hanna safe, and Wren has the added motivation of wanting to fucking with Mona and/or Veronica? After he creeps on Hanna and Caleb, he zooms on over to Hastings Manor to tell Veronica that he doesn’t think Mona really killed and also her reality is more adrenalized than ever, so hey, how about a quick visit? He can arrange the whole thing!