“Pretty Little Liars” recap 4.09: Lesbian Bed Death

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Aria and Spencer tip-toe around the hallways of Rosewood high to see if there are any bitches they can eavesdrop on, and as luck would have it, two bitches are in the courtyard having a whispered conversation! It is the bitches Shana Costumeshop and JennaBot Marshall! And Jenna is pregnant with Shana’s baby! They try to hide it, but she is very clearly great with child. (Can you even imagine a baby made of this combined DNA? That thing would pop right out playing hymns to the devil on the zither and eating cherries like a menace and it would be the most beautiful child this earth has ever seen.) Anyway, Jenna and Shana talk about how Jenna’s going to be getting killed soon because of how she was in cahoots with Jason Thing, Garrett Thing, and Melissa Thing, all of whom are dead or dying. Jenna wants to go to the police, but Shana tells her she’ll protect her from all the bad things. She’s already absorbed 75 percent of Emily’s powers, and Spencer is next. Soon, she’ll be able to keep Jenna safe from literally anything. But get this: for right now Shana has to help Jenna get where she’s going because she’s blind again. (OR IS SHE?) (Yes, she is.)

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Someone posted her bail and so Ashley comes home from prison. She’s hugs Hanna so hard and Hanna hands her a glass of pinot, which Veronica slaps out of her hand due to the ankle monitor she’s wearing, and that’s when Ashley asks to go back to prison. Because what’s the point of freedom without libations?

Paige wants everything about Emily’s surprise party to be perfect. She’s bought all the balloons and all the streamers and baked the most delicious coconut cupcakes and made very, very sure to invite Shana in a way that indicated she should only show up at the party if she wants to die. But Spencer and Aria have a whole other idea. After eavesdropping on their courtyard conversation, they decide Shana should come to the party because she’s Jenna-wrangling this week, and if Jenna really is going blind and they can separate her from her herd like a couple of hyenas, they can get her to confess to them that she knows Ali is alive and also knows who killed Ali. Paige rolls her eyes and agrees because she’s kind of just back on speaking terms with Spencer and you don’t want to cross her when she’s got that sleuthing spark in her eye, but also, she knows this is now just another party that is going to end up with someone getting mowed over by a car.

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Anyway, the party looks beautiful and all six thousand randoms are there and when they jump out and yell “SURPRISE!” at Emily, she kills every single one of them. Because you know what happens when Emily goes places in the dark? GLASS IN HER HAIR, for starters. Dudes stealing her face. The ghost of her dead girlfriend dragging her out of a carbon monoxide-filled barn and making out with her. The ghost of her dead girlfriend dragging her out of a burning cabin and flying away in her plane. An entire store full of dolls coming to life and brandishing shovels and chanting “Follow me, end up like me!”

Paige, you are perfect, but when in the hell were you thinking with this party?!

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Actually, before anyone hollers surprise and gets a pocket knife in the gut, Emily starts yelling at Paige for sending her to swim school without telling the Aquatic Headmaster that she’s got shoulder poisoning.

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