“Pretty Little Liars” recap 4.09: Lesbian Bed Death


When Jake and Aria show up at the Brew, Aria’s vision is still blurry from Jake’s naked deltoids so she doesn’t even notice Ezra over there in the corner ignoring Maggie, who is very excited to have gotten into grad school somewhere a million miles away from this murder pit. Jake flirts with Aria and Aria flirts with Jake and Maggie’s just “and the best part about this grad school is that it’s in village in Austria with that famed Donut Castle!” And the whole time Ezra’s eyes just get wider and wider and wider, not because his son is moving to Europe in a second but because Jake’s hair totally looks like he slept on Aria’s couch, and finally Ezra’s his eyeballs pop right out of his skull and roll across the coffee shop floor and out the door and through the town and down the 295 to the Delaware river where they float out to sea.


What those eyeballs don’t see before they land in the Atlantic is Aria blowing off Jake with a lie about having family movie night when clearly she is one of the six thousand people who will be ruining Paige’s puffy drape time with Emily.

Hanna and Veronica go to visit Ashley in the slammer-jammer to tell her the news that Mona confessed to killing Wilden. Hanna is like, “So, anyway, get those cuffs off, lady, we’re going home!” You can’t blame Hanna for being confused about how the law works, because actual law only started being practiced in this town when Roma Maffia rolled in a couple of weeks ago. The cops haven’t fully bought into Mona’s confession just yet, so until they decide to charge her with Wilden’s murder and drop Ashley’s charges, they’re just going to set bail at one million lasagna boxes.


Emily loves Olympic swimming school. There are so many pools and so many people swimming in them, and the dorm rooms have actual blinds on the windows and locks on the doors and the sports cream is administered by trained professionals and there’s nary a Shana Costumeshop in sight. Unfortunately, Paige failed to mention to the swim coach that Emily is landlocked for a while. Coach is like, “A torn rotator cuff? Are you serious? When one of my swimmers tears a rotator cuff, I just take her out into the yard and put her down.”

Hanna goes to the park to scream at her dad on the phone. Or, well, to scream at his voicemail. She needs him to bring her one hundred thousand dollars from the thousand dollar tree he planted in the garden for that bitch-ass Kate Randall, and she needs that shit right now, so stop fucking around and ignoring her calls, and it’s just like him to run when they need him and only show back up when he can clomp around like a patronizing dick. She lets loose with a few more swear words, just to drive home the goddamn point, and shows exactly zero remorse when Pastor Ted wanders up at the end of her conversation. He’s like, “Man, I miss your mom. Did she ever tell you about last Halloween when we babysat that ghost?” Hanna slaps him in the face, pickpockets him, and runs for it. Sadly, there are no noodles or dollars in Pastor Ted’s wallet. Only a BOGO coupon for the Pancake Shoppe.


Ezbian’s Cake and Cuddle Emporium.

Ezra: Blah blah blah?
Maggie: Blah blah.
Ezra: Blah blah blah blah!
Maggie: Blah?!

And then Ezra runs off to talk to Veronica about suing Maggie for full custody of Malcolm. And why shouldn’t a judge grant him such a thing? Malcolm has known Ezra for four entire minutes, two of which he spent in the ER after Ezra’s underage girlfriend shoved him off a bed and broke his jaw, and one of which he spent at a Faustian puppet show when Ezra’s underage girlfriend’s Radley-bound best friend kidnapped him from karate class. Dick move, Fitzgerald.

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