“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.07): Uterus before Duderus

He says he knows he can’t be her boyfriend and comfort her in boyfriend ways but is there any information she can give him that might get Mike off the hook, like, I dunno, the fact that there is literally no proof at all that he did anything wrong? Aria cannot give any information, and since America’s laws decree that everyone is guilty until proven innocent, Mike’s just going to have to get put down. Aria goes, “Hackett asked me if Mike has been taking his Vandalism Pills. I told him yes. I hope I wasn’t lying.” Ezra is like, “Did he ask you that to your face?” And Aria is all, “Trust me, dude, it’s the least inappropriate thing of all the things he’s ever asked me. Detective Wilden had more tact than this creep.”

After their meeting is over, Ezra storms up in that office and goes, “Oh my God, Hackett, you can’t just ask someone’s sister if her brother is taking his anti-ransacking caplets! That’s like the rules of The Physician–Patient Privilege Act of 1845!”

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BrOTP Clubhouse. You know that lighter Toby found by his face when he woke up at Thornhill Lodge after being clobbered in the noggin by Jenna and Shana? Well, he’s sitting on the couch flicking that thing on and off. On and off. On and off. Then he has an idea. The compass on the lighter made him think it came from a pirate ship, but the more he thinks about it, and the fact that Nigel Wright’s name is engraved on it, the more he starts to wonder if it belongs Nigel Wright. He and Caleb go back to Rosewood International Airport and Youth Pilot Training Facility to ask just that, but Nigel says no! He did not fly a blonde girl in a red coat wearing a mask of her own face to Thornhill Lodge start a fire to kill her friends and rescue her friends from a fire to keep them from dying! He says all he did was fake a flight plan for a girl named CeCe Drake and what would you do if someone came at you wielding a mannequin leg and asking for a favor? Toby tries to kill Nigel Wright, but he escapes.

They are able to hack into his cell phone, though, and discover that he has been calling the same number in New York over and over and over. Toby goes, “Wait, I know this one! OK, all we have to do is train a parrot to sing that number and the release it into the wild. It’ll lead us to either a lair or a barn or a lair inside a barn, where we’ll find a key piece of information that will allow us to teleport ourselves through a wormhole into another dimension at another spot on the space-time continuum. Probably there are going to be birds trying to kill us, so bring a helmet.”

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“Planning to play with a tesseract, are we, boys?” Spencer says when she arrives to lend them a hand. They bring her up to speed and she tells them Cece did visit Mona at Radley, so maybe she is Red Coat. Toby’s face. He goes, “Um, Spencer. A sidebar.” He drags her into the kitchen and wonders how long she was going to sit on this information that CeCe was a frequent Radley visitor, because in case she’d forgotten while dealing with the problem of trying to keep Ashley from getting sentenced to death by the great state of Pennsylvania, his dead mother, who is still dead and will continue to be dead, potentially did not come to be dead by suicide, but instead by being thrown from a window by one of those rare beasts, The Blonde-Haired Girl. Information that was given to him by an institutionalized former psychiatrist who is writing a book about the taste of the wind.

Spencer goes, “Honey, I love you. I do. But two episodes was plenty of this storyline. I cannot allow you to keep on like this. Take off your shirt. Let’s go home.”

Aria takes a hand-written thank you note to Ezra’s apartment because Mike told her about the way he convinced Hackett not to expel him based on the no evidence he had against him. Ezra invites her inside for a slice of pound, some light petting, a few photos with paper bags over their faces for old times’ sake. “Come on,” he says, “Maggie took Malcolm to a midnight showing of that Stephen King movie with the homicidal clown. We’ve got plenty of time.” But she stuffs the note into his hand and bolts away because five minutes of reading their Feelings Journals out loud to one another and she knows they’d be naked.

Emily takes Wilden’s apartment key back to RPD HQ but isn’t able to return it because all the detectives are swarming Pam’s desk because they realize it is missing. She feels appropriately shitty. She goes home to peruse the America’s Finest Steaks website page as suspiciously as possible, and of course she can’t even get hacked into there to find out what cut of meat Wilden liked to eat because Pam comes in hollering about how she missed her shark piss injection appointment. She says she’s taking Emily to all future appointments, which shouldn’t be a problem because she’s fired from Police because you have to keep up with keys if you’re going to be the Keeper of Keys.

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Pam goes downstairs to call Wayne and tell him they’re even bigger Poors than they were before. She doesn’t have time to adequately explain her suspension from Police, though, because A drives a motherfucking car right into the middle of the living room and nearly kills her!

Nigel Wright has a little tea date with Jenna Marshall’s sunglasses. He is very sorry he fucked up her plan, but he hopes he didn’t fuck it up too badly because he still wants to have sex with her, because Jenna must be better in bed than literally any human being ever has been.

The Risen Mitten stops by the Home Depot to buy a home repair guide and gift card, onto which she writes, “Buy some new windows. I hope I didn’t give you the shutters. – A.”

My screencapping partner Maggie (@margaretrosey) is a person you should follow on Twitter and also adore.

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