“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.07): Uterus before Duderus


Hanna is forging some checks to pay the water bill and power bill when Spencer comes over wearing her most somber face to tell Hanna that the good news is that her mom might get to come home from jail — in 20 years. (The bad news is that she might get the death penalty for first degree murdering a cop.) They hug. Hanna cries. It’s horrible. It’s so horrible. I can’t look at it.


Spencer goes to Aria for comfort after using all her Spencer powers to keep Hanna in once piece. Aria’s like, “Could this get any worse? Hanna’s mom might be in jail for the rest of her life. I know your mom is harshing your Spoby vibe something fierce being In Town all these weeks because of having a client who is actually still alive. Emily won’t shut the fuck up about puffy drapes. I mean, what next, Spence? Red Coat drives an automobile into one of our living rooms?” Emily interrupts her doomsday monologue to say she’s got a key to Wilden’s apartment and get your shit together because it’s time to be for real.


And they are for real. They’re so for real that even though they still don’t close the blinds even though A has videoed them doing every illegal thing for four full seasons now, they do put on gloves to keep from getting their fingerprints all over Wilden’s shit, which includes: Mail that is mostly bills (Spencer uses some kind of infrared light technique to discern this information), porn (Aria flips out for 15 minutes about this, presumably because his porn collection is physical DVDs and not on the internet like the rest of humanity), and a cooler full of those fancy steaks Emily’s dad buys for Emily’s uncle every year. The Liars open up the meat and are discouraged to find that it only contains putrid steaks and not a severed head. But the steaks are from A, and the rapidity with which the meat has spoiled leads them to believe it is a thank you gift for whatever part of the Thornhill Lodge stuff he was responsible for. (Which, according to Melissa, was setting the fire, right?)

Hanna cries alone in her mom’s room for hours and hours, trying to pick out the best court outfit. One that says, “Vehicular assault possibly, but definitely not cold-blooded murder.” She tries to convince Ashley to plead out so she can come home later rather than never, but at this point, all Ashley has is the truth and one million dollars baked into ravioli in the freezer in her kitchen. She says no.


Also crying is Ezra Fitz, who, let the record show, looks just like Clark Kent these days with his hair the way it is and his chin the way it always has been. He’s at school on a Saturday trying to get some paperwork done, but mostly just trying to stay busy to keep his mind off of Aria slash his new life of crime. He’s super duper sad, but then he sees Aria sitting on the bench outside of Hackett’s office and he gets so happy, and then sad again because he can’t be that guy for her anymore. When I take my puppy’s tennis ball away, she is the absolute saddest, and sometimes on my way to stashing it in the out-of-reach toy drawer, I’ll fumble it and she’ll be like, “WE’RE PLAYING SOME MORE!” but then I snatch it right back up and store it, and she gets dejected even more than when I originally took away her favorite thing. Which is what Ezra’s face did when he saw Aria sitting there.

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