“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.07): Uterus before Duderus


At school, Emily is flipping out because Shana disappeared after open mic night to do who knows what kind of god awful schemes in her continued attempts to take over Emily’s actual life, but Hanna assures her that unlike Hogwarts — she actually says “Hogwarts”(!) — none of these hallways lead to a Room of Requirement where Shana is cooking up Emily-based Polyjuice Potion or practicing the Imperius curse to use on Paige. They are interrupted by some jocks who’ve got their LOLs on about Ashley being in jail, but Emily shuts their shit right down by flexing all up in their faces and going, “You fuckers? May have heard I killed a guy.”


Mr. Fitz comes running before Emily can puncture one of their lungs with only her loyalty stare. He whisks Hanna away to social safety and tells her not to worry about turning in her lit essay right now because she’s got real life stuff happening and he gets that because he’s got real life stuff happening too. Like, does she have any idea where he can dispose of some empty spray paint cans, a baseball bat, and a hoodie? Hanna tries to speak his language, talking about, “Thanks for helping me not feel like that one lady in that one book who gets judged by ol’ Judgey Eyes while she’s doing her knitting.” Mr. Fitz isn’t as bamboozled as the time when Spencer jumped into his passenger’s seat and he thought he was getting carjacked, but he is mildly confused. Hanna thanks him for being a decent guy, and he’s like, “Wow, thank you for that, Hanna. Seriously, though, do you know how a person goes about disposing of criminal evidence?” Hanna gives him Spencer’s phone number.

Vice-Principal Hackett corners Aria on the stairs and requests an audience. He wants to know if Mike has confessed to smashing up Connor’s car and when Aria says that he couldn’t have done it because he was home Skyping with Ella, even though it would have been like 3:0 in the morning at Donut Castle, Hackett goes, “OK, but let me ask you this, then: Has Pam Fields been by to do her weekly pill counting of the medicines in your house? Can you say for sure Mike is taking his Vandalism Capsules? I think we can both agree we don’t want another Blind Girl Craft Fair pottery smashing debacle on our hands.” Aria assures him Mike is taking his anti-wrecking lozenges, twice-daily.


Emily drops by RPD HQ to get the insurance stuff she needs for her shark piss injection appointment, but is distracted in the extreme when one of the detectives checks in a key that is labeled “Wilden’s Apartment.” Emily’s like, “Uh, mom, hey, can you print out directions to the doctor’s office? I’ve been feeling weird about using my GPS ever since that doll hacked into it and I drove myself into a locked barn and almost died of carbon monoxide poisoning.” This is a lie, of course. Emily will never realize how terrified she should be of dolls taking over all the technology in her life. She just wants Pam to give her a moment alone at her desk so she can steal Wilden’s house key.


You who else is being an exemplary parent today, and, in fact, has been very awesome this entire season? It’s Byron Montgomery. He’s upset because he thinks Mike vandalized Connor’s car and now he’s probably getting expelled, but when Aria explains that Connor made a move on her and then started spreading rumors, Byron’s like, “I fully understand exactly what you are saying to me and what you are not saying to me, and trust me when I tell you, it will be taken care of.” Ella would be so proud, Byron! Maybe you just needed to get that virginity guardian thing, and that homicidal kidnapping mistress thing, and that whole “You better apologize to my girlfriend for acting like a teenager whose father destroyed her family when you caught him having an affair in the backseat of a car in the middle of a busy intersection” thing out of your system.

Hell. Typing that made me hate him again.

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