“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.07): Uterus before Duderus

 
 

At school, everyone’s getting a real giggle out of Connor’s car, with the crunched up windows and “LIAR!” painted across the door in spray paint. Mike thinks he deserved it for calling Aria a slut, and Aria agrees. She just wants to make sure Mike doesn’t think he deserved it enough to do it. Mike’s like, “Aria, please. I play field hockey. I’ve never even seen a baseball bat or sledgehammer or shovel or whatever did that to Connor’s car. And anyway, I was sitting alone in a windowless room in New York when it happened paying for things in cash and not asking for receipts.” A better alibi would have been open mic night at The Brew, but that place, like every other place in Rosewood, is just crawling with lesbians, and Mike’s not digging his way out from under the DiLaurentis’ porch and taking a flea bath to go to an event where he can’t even score.

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Binging on Orange Is the New Black maybe made you think that prison ain’t nothin’ but lesbian sexytimes, but guys, no. Ashley Marin looks pitiful right now in her orange jumpsuit. And Hanna looks ten times more pitiful, if you can believe it. They try to talk about what Ashley is going to wear to court, but that ends in heartache because Veronica told Hanna to tell Ashley she can’t wear jewelry. They try to talk about the black-tie gala coming up for the library, but that ends in heartache because Ashley can’t promise to be Hanna’s date. Then they just try holding hands, but this asshole guard bangs on the window shouting about, “NO TOUCHING!” It’s just awful. I don’t know how I feel worse for Ashley than I did when Caleb got shot or the Liars got clubbed over the head and sealed inside the Montgomery’s basement, but I do!

Over at BrOTP Clubhouse (No Girls Allowed), Caleb and Toby are trying to dig up the flight plan for the plane that landed at Thornhill Lodge, so they can discover the identity of the person who either started the fire or extinguished the fire/rescued the Liars or trapped the Liars inside the building/was Ali or was Ali wearing an Ali mask. Caleb questions Spencer’s ability to memorize the plane’s N-Number, but Toby goes, “Dude, sometimes, for like foreplay, Spencer just likes me to quiz her on passages of Russian literature she’s memorized. Trust me, she remembers what she saw.” Again, they’re so adorable, but they’re asking these total amateur hour questions like, “How could Ali possibly start a fire at Thornhill Lodge and then make it all the way back to Rosewood to frame Ashley for murder?” The night that girl died, she was at her Nana’s place down in Hilton Head doing a vocal chord transplant on a parrot, hanging around in her backyard in Rosewood accepting visits from literally every person in town, fat-shaming and gay-shaming the shit out of Hanna and Emily over in Spencer’s barn, menacing Toby in prison and Jenna in blind camp, fucking Ian up at the kissing rock, and whatever doll surgeries that were her nightly routine. Being in two places at the same time, a mere 25 miles from each other, is like taking a day-drinking nap to Alison DiLaurentis.

7

They track down the point of origin for Red Coat’s plane to an airfield near town, probably the one where Aria went to take flying lessons that one time, and the person who keeps the flight plan records is that half-Jason looking guy who was Jenna’s escort to Wilden’s funeral (and also the guy Joss was sleeping with on Mistresses before things started getting really leztastic with her and Alex). Nigel is his name. He accepts a bribe from Caleb of twenty dollars and a year’s supply of Uncle Jaime’s Hobo Farm Mixed Bean Medley , but the only thing he can tell them is that it was a private flight and he can’t be expected to remember everything when it was so foggy the night that plane landed at Thornhill Lodge.

Anyway, the flight was registered to John Doe, and who even knows where that guy is?

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Toby sighs dramatically and wishes he was home with a nice glass of Pinot and his Blonde Girl file, Spencer drinking coffee out of one of those double-doozy beer hats and chattering away in the background about clues and the themes of nihilism in Crime and Punishment.

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