Over at the Marin’s, Tom is stomping around and shouting and gesticulating and acting like a rooster on ‘roids. I mean, never mind that he abandoned Ashley and Hanna, started a new family with that awful Kate Randall, and made it perfectly clear that the only time anyone in this house was at liberty to reach out to him was for midnight booty calls. He’s here now and he’s in charge and he knows everything, including how his daughter — What’s her name? Lana? Banana? — is a felon! “WHY’D YOU STEAL MY GUN, HANNA? WHY’D YOU TAKE IT TO COLLEGE TO AND ROLL AROUND IN THE DIRT WITH IT, HANNA? WHY’D YOU KILL THAT COP, HANNA?
Why do you suck donkey balls, Tom? You just shut your damn mouth. Where have you been? Nowhere, is where you have been. You don’t know shit about shit.
Just, as an example, Tom, you don’t know that Ashley can say “I didn’t kill Wilden and I didn’t bring your gun inside this house!” And Hanna can say, “When I was looking for mom’s swamp shoes, I found the gun that killed Wilden inside her closet!” And both of them can be telling the truth. You can’t comprehend the vortex they live inside, where there are multiple landline phones in every room and fake architects die of strokes on the front porch and random potted plants get hurled at the back window without any explanation and the rigatoni is made of silver dollars and an omniscient invisible zombie wages emotional war just for giggles.
Ashley insists that someone is setting her up. Tom insists that no one would do that. And A insists that if Hanna even speaks her name, both of her parents will end up in jail and she’ll be living off of canned beans down at Uncle Jesse’s hobo shanty for the rest of her life.
At the Brew, Aria and Emily and Spencer assess their daily damage. Spencer’s problem: Tippi the Bird sang her into a dead end in a sorority house murder room. Emily’s problem: Shana is trying to absorb her life forces and become her. Aria’s problem: “I guess I don’t have any problems today, as per.” (Emily: “Wrong, bitch. Shana tried to set your ass on fire, run you over with a car, and now she’s your new lab partner.”) Eh. Whatevs. Aria offers to train Connor, the new Brew employee who makes shitty coffee and keeps dropping the fine china all over the floor. Spencer and Emily take advantage of their moment alone to make up after their Cicero brawl. Spencer’s like, “Look, I get that my relentless sleuthing myopia, unlimited resources, and inability to accept defeat on any level must feel like getting bulldozed a lot of the time. But I love you, and, I mean, I’m clearly not getting into college at all, so I totally support your pursuit of a degree at Podunk U.”
Their moment is interrupted by Mona, and where the hell has she been? Standing at the edge of town, spray-painting the population count up and up on the Rosewood City Limit sign as all these parents flock home to fuck up their children’s lives? No, she’s been trying to track down her mobile lair. She would like to speak to Spencer about it in private, but Spencer goads her into dropping the bomb that it was Toby who stole it, and Spencer who helped him cover his tracks. Spencer’s like, “How do you—” And Mona goes, “What? How do I know when you’re being sketch? I may not be A anymore, but you can’t turn off adrenalized hyperreality. I sense your shade in my soul.”
Spencer rushes home and mixes up a cocktail of espresso, Red Bull, Monster, NOS, RockStar, and Mountain Dew. Then she tells Toby they’ve got to tell the Liars why he stole the lair. He’s like, “But if you do that, I’ll never find out what happened to my mom. My dad won’t tell me. That gorgeous Eddie Lamb from Radley won’t tell me. A is the only one who knows and she’ll cut me off forever if we tell them.” The way you know Spencer loves Toby with her whole over-caffeinated heart is that she’s able to exercise a kind of decorum around him that usually only the Liars get from her. Anybody else, she goes, “Yeah, but endgame: Your mom’s still dead. My thing wins.” But she straddles the line between her allegiances and calls up the Pi (Holes) to try to dig up some information on the bird phone. She may not be able to give back the lair, but maybe she can offer up some new clues.