It was the only time she ever visited him with a companion and she needed cash fast. He said she’d get her money when the creeper who wanted 100 Joan of Arc masks paid up, and she shoved his face down into his work bench and wrestled his wallet from his pocket and took all his money and broke his kneecaps with a baseball bat and threw a firecracker at his head and bounced up out of there with her unnamed driving companion. This was on the day she died, of course, somewhere between flying home from Hilton Head, driving to Philly to mess with Jenna at blind camp, delivering a doll head full of evidence to Emily, renting a storage locker to house a lunch box, making a porno with Ian, borrowing Toby’s sweater, rubbing her DNA all over Spencer’s friendship bracelet, and holding court in her backyard where Jason was stoned, Byron was desperate, Garrett and Jenna were canoodling, and Melissa was screaming into her phone. In between one of those times, is when she boogied on over to Torch Lake to rob Hector Lime.
OK, keep your vaginas on. Shit’s about to get real. Spencer watches Melissa destroy those masks for like an hour before she creeps out of the darkness and growls, “Hello, Melissa.” And then so many answers it’s going to make you dizzy:
Melissa: Jesus, Spence. Seriously? Fine, look: This guy has a mask of my face because he collects faces. I gave him mine because I wanted to know where he got Ali’s. I saw Mona wearing Ali’s face under the Phantom of the Opera’s face on the Nightmare Express.
Spencer: Where you tried to kill me!
Melissa: I didn’t try to kill you. That was Wilden. He was going to fuck all y’all up real bad and I was going to stop him, like I’ve been doing since before you even got blackmailed by your first talking doll. The game changed when Garrett showed up.
Spencer: Wait, what? I thought you were NAT Club with Garrett.
Melissa: Ugh! Spencer! Fuck that amateur hour bullshit! I’ve assembled my own team of lesbians to fight against the dark forces in this town!
Spencer: If you’re talking about Jenna and Shana, they tried to burn me and my friends alive in that lodge.
Melissa: That wasn’t them! It was Wilden! Are you even listening to me? I sent them there to watch you guys because I thought you were meeting up with Ali, who I thought was controlling Wilden.
Spencer: Let’s put a pin in the thing where you sent a blind girl out on surveillance detail and talk about how you think Allison is still alive.
Melissa: Of course she’s alive! Are you watching this show at all? We were scared of Wilden and Wilden was scared of somebody else. Who’s the world’s scariest motherfucker? It’s Ali. She’s everywhere and nowhere.
Spencer: So Mona was real A-Team, but now she’s on P-Team. You were NAT Club, but they’re all dead besides Jason and also have nothing to do with this, so you’re on Team ShennaBot Thing now. The third team is Red Coat team, which is run by Red Coat, who is probably Ali, who is definitely alive. And Wilden is dead because … you killed him?
Melissa: Yes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to swim to England. [Splash.]
Holy crap. If she’d stayed another minute, she would have confessed to pushing Ian off the bell tower.