“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.24: A Psycho By Any Other Name

 
 

Spencer’s got the full Mona makeover happening with her eyes and her Toby is like, “Spencer.” And Spencer is like, “Well, you’re looking very not dead.” And he’s like, “Spencer.” And she’s like, “Which is weird considering I saw your body hacked to bits on the forest floor.” And he’s like, “Spencer.” And she’s like, “The fact of your death landed my ass in Radley, in case you hadn’t heard, and that was after I stared down every fruit in my house for two weeks and stopped brushing my hair and almost got boiled into noodle soup in my own shower and also after I cried my eyeballs out for a whole night outside your loft door while you sat inside listening to records and eating my Nana’s lasagna.” He says he did all the things he did to protect her, and she says she gets it because she is doing all the things she’s doing to protect the Liars and him. You may have heard he attacked Hanna with some mannequins. You may have heard she kidnapped a seven-year-old.

At Ezra’s Cake and Cuddle Emporium, Malcolm is trying to get his cartoon on while Hanna badgers him about how he’s rotting his brain. He finally acquiesces to her attention and agrees to play a game called “Guess Who Kidnapped Me!” Hanna shows him photos of the usual suspects. No, it wasn’t Aria. No, it wasn’t CeCe. No, it wasn’t Melissa. No, it wasn’t Jenna. No, of course it wasn’t that dude with the chin and the hair. That dude’s a dude! And and the person who kidnapped him was called Alison! Hanna hands over her phone so he can rot his brain playing Angry Birds, and calls to check in with Emily …

… who is out for a run in the dark by herself because she needs to blow off some steam from continuing to have to be Spencer, and also because SHE HASN’T LEARNED ANYTHING ABOUT STAYING ALIVE these last three years. Emily peeps a frazzled Melissa wading through the swamp of newspapers at the Cavenaugh place and banging on the windows, so she drops Hanna and creeps onto the porch, where she spies Jenna and Melissa and Shana having a conversation at Rosewood Pharmacist decibels about incriminating videos and the bitches who bury them and hide them in lakes. Melissa is like, “Well, they’ll all be together at that lodge by that landing stip tomorrow night at a party someone is pretending is being thrown by my parents, but I’m not even worried about the hows and whys of that right now, because my main thing is murder them.” They act like this is their one chance to take out the Liars, while they’re alone together in the woods, when that’s pretty much how they spend every Friday night of their whole entire Lying lives.

At one of the many seedy motels Toby Cavenaugh calls home, he and Spencer debrief one more time how absolutely shitty it was for him to do the things he did, especially the part where Spencer knows he was spying on her while she spiraled into the mentally unstable place where she was decoding pirate ship board game treasure maps and slow dancing with ghosts. He cries, then. That’s all. Just cries. No explanation, really. No processing which tortuous things he did and why he did them and what he hoped to accomplish, both at the time and in the long run. Just tears. Tears dripping down his face and onto his abs. Like the first time she saw him-saw him, that day in the alley when he got his feelings hurt by those adorable little ice cream kids. Spencer crawls to him on her knees and they make out.

Back at Ezra’s, Hanna is running down the list of ways she got herself into a very complicated relationship with food after her dad left. It’s so Hanna. She’s fully just chatting away to a first grader about the most calorie-effective way to eat your feelings while he clicks around on her phone. She’s just getting to the part about peanut butter and whipped cream when Malcolm goes, “Oh, hey! Here’s that Alison who kidnapped me!” He’s looking at a photo A has just texted over, awesomely, of both real Alison and Fake Alison. Hanna is like, “Well, what you are saying is impossible because Alison is dead.” Malcolm just rolls his eyes and reaches for his Oreos: “No, lady. Alison is Spencer.”

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