“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.23: I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good

Wearing a flowy cotton nightgown, Spencer Hastings creeps out of room 217 and counts her steps through one hallway, then another, through an empty corridor, over some broken hobby horses, down a flight of stairs. She is walking into the wind the whole time, or whoever is humming is doing it real breathy-like, because Spencer’s hair whips around in the moonlight as she tip-toes. She finally finds herself in the subbasement doll hospital where Alison DiLaurentis is just hanging out, listening to some records.

OK, and the song Ali chooses is Dionne Warwick‘s “I’m Your Puppet.” It is to that tune, and the lyrics “Pull the string and I’ll wink at you, I’m your puppet / I’ll do funny things if you want me to, I’m your puppet / I’ll be yours to have and to hold / Darling, you’ve got full control of your puppet” that Ali pulls Spencer into her embrace and slow-dances with her, for practice. It’s the second time she’s lezzed out claiming it as “practice,” which is something 64 percent of all lesbians do when they’re teenagers. In fact, I one time spent an entire summer “practicing for my husband” with my Jesus camp female co-counselor. (By the end of the summer, I had memorized the entire book of Song of Solomon, and also I could take off another girl’s bra with two fingers with my eyes closed.) Ali and Spencer sway in the moonlight and then Spencer stops to ask if Toby is the one who beat up Ali in her mom’s flashback. Ali goes, “No, your mother already told you, it was Melissa.”

Spencer pulls away fully from Ali’s ghostly embrace and finds a star on the saddle of a hobby horse. The same star that was on the pirate board game treasure map she spent all day studying. Inside are Mona’s nurse disguise and Radley employee badge — and a visitor’s pass for CeCe Drake(!) authorized by Wren Kingston(!!), who, by the way, is standing in the doorway now instead of Alison. He explains that he did authorize CeCe to visit Mona because they had in common the fact that Ali ruined both of their lives. Remember when Ali threw that girl down the steps at Ian’s frat party after snapping her neck? I guess CeCe took the fall for that one, because she got kicked out of college over it. How’d CeCe know Mona was in Radley anyway? Oh, you know, Melissa called and told her.

Ezra takes Aria out to dinner to celebrate how she didn’t let his son get murdered today. Malcolm was so pooped from the satanic puppet show experience that he fell right to sleep mumbling about black hoodies and red trench coats. Aria’s PTSD finally kicks in and she breaks up with Ezra for the ten bazillionth time. He just kisses her on the cheek and says he’ll see her tomorrow.

Emily is sitting in her Paily window seat when Pam arrives with the news that a hot guy with a chest of steel was found murdered in the woods and stuffed in a shallow grave, right where Spencer said she saw Toby’s body. Emily is like, “Well, is it him? Did they identify him?” And Pam goes, “Not yet. The guy was pretty disfigured; the coroner said he looked like he’d fallen down an elevator shaft. Anyway, at least it wasn’t another one of your girlfriends, right? Silver lining!”

Over coffee, A texts Hanna and Caleb to let them know that between the kidnappings and murderings of the day, she found time to steal that church bell and frame Uncle Jamie, so just let her know when they want it back and she’ll drive it on over in the murdermobile.

Later that evening, Aria and Hanna are enjoying steaming cups of cocoa and talk of being terrorized in front of a nice fire when Emily bursts in to tell them the news about the hot body PRD found in the forest. Aria goes, “Goddammit. I guess Spencer is never coming out of Radley now, and so shitty stuff is going to start happening to me all the time.”

What she means is that A usually targets Spencer and not her.

But what she doesn’t know is …

… Spencer is the one who kidnapped Malcolm and bought him all those treats at the hell carnival! What! YES! WHAT! Awesome! Inside her pillowcase with her satchel of adrenalized hyperreality pills, Spencer has also been keeping a black hoodie, two tickets to the Fasustain puppet show, and this memory: “You don’t have to ask again, Mona. I’m in.”

At the morgue, a coroner wheels in the hot dead body from the woods. He accidentally pulls up the sheet so we can see that the torso has that “901 FREE!” tattoo on it, only guess what? That shit is faded because that shit is fake.

Next week: The Liars find out about Spencer and Spencer finds out about Red Coat and Spobians find out whether or not their ship is well and truly sunk. (Guesses: Spencer is a double agent, Ali is Red Coat, Toby is alive.)

Forever thanks to my screencapping partner Maggie (@MargaretRosey), who has plenty of delicious PLL countdowns up her sleeve before next week’s finale!

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