“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.23: I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good

Uncle Jamie takes Hanna and Caleb out for a delicious meal, sponsored by the tithing box of Rosewood Presbyterian Church. Also, he bought Hanna an angel necklace as a metaphor for her being an angel. Their friendly hobo banter is interrupted by a call from Pastor Ted, who just wants to let Uncle Jamie know that he is fired for stealing the church bell. Apparently Rosewood’s foundry is in the same neighborhood as Red Coat’s 24-hour sawmill, because Uncle Jamie rushes out the door at like 10:00 p.m. to go talk to them about straightening out the mix-up.

Veronica Hastings has brought to Radley all sorts of blazer/blouse pairings, hoping to coax Spencer into herself by coaxing her out of her cuckoo lady slippers. But Spencer smacks that shit out of her mother’s hands and tells her to get lost in that tesseract vortex between Madrid and London. Veronica sighs, takes a seat, says, “I’m gonna level with you here, sweetheart, I haven’t seen a person acting this crazy since two weeks before Ali was murdered when I caught her sneaking in the back door of our house one night, her face busted all to hell, honest-to-god tear stains on her cheeks, begging me not to tell anyone that someone in our yard or her yard had worked her over. I, of course, agreed to keep silent because obviously it was your sister Melissa who did it. Lordy, I gave birth to some psychos.” Far be it for Spencer to judge the latency of another person’s flashbacks, but her face is like, for real? Veronica shrugs, packs up the blazers, bounces up out of there.

Rosewood General. Ever wonder what the Liars did with their candy striper outfits after Wilden busted them for sneaking around in the morgue looking for page five of Ali’s autopsy report? They just hung onto those things, for a rainy day. It was a good decision, I guess, because they’ve donned them once more to break into the morgue to rifle through the dead bodies to find John Doe. Aria stands guard at the door. Hanna stands inside and has an existential meltdown about how no matter how much you exercise or how careful you are about tan lines or how many fistfuls of M&Ms you put back in the candy dish after a bullying text from A, everyone ends up dead as a loaf. Emily, literally: “Well, can you help me with this loaf? I can’t find the ID tag.” They find the John Doe, carefully unzip his bodybag, and are greeted by that mask that Mona wore under that other mask like the one Caleb wore that time on the Halloween train when she wanted to grind up on Hanna. They screech, and so does Aria, because Red Coat hops off the elevator on the morgue floor and then hops right back on the elevator after Aria spots her.

Eddie Lamb stops by Spencer’s room to administer her meds and also some advice about Wren, namely to “trust her instincts” where he is concerned, which is a funny thing to tell a person whose instincts: a) are what landed her in this very sanitarium, and b) have drunkenly led her into the arms of that shadester on multiple occasions. Eddie Lamb says Wren is not in the mental or physical health care profession for the right reasons, which, in my estimation, means that both of Rosewood’s psychiatrists are dirty doers. Spencer pretends to take her meds, but then spits up the pill and stuff it into a plastic bag along with other unconsumed pills. She hides the tiny package in her pillow.

Caleb tracks down Hanna at school and he knows for sure something is wrong with her because she’s been ignoring his texts to “study.” Really, she just doesn’t want to have to tell him that Uncle Jamie maybe stole that bell like he stole her lucky dice fiver. $8,000 worth of bronze would buy a lot of pizza. But she does tell him and he immediately believes her because Caleb is, and always has been, the very best boyfriend on this show.

When Aria Montgomery arrives to pick up Malcolm from ninja practice, she discovers that he has already left … with Aria Montgomery. She whips out her cell phone and calls the police and reports the kidnapping. Just kidding! She wanders over to his ninja cubby and finds two tickets to the Faustian puppet show happening at the hell carnival. Only in Rosewood is a story about a guy making a soul pact with the Devil considered family-friendly entertainment. But Malcolm is enjoying the hell out of it, just laughing and laughing as a mannequin-sized puppet trades his soul for unlimited sex and wisdom. A reaches into his popcorn cup with her Risen Mitten-ed hands and enjoys a snack. Too bad they don’t serve tapioca pudding at carnivals, huh, A?

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