“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.23: I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good


At school, Caleb can’t stop talking about much he and his uncle-dad have in common, including matching knee scars. How can he ever repay Hanna for forcing him to let Uncle Jamie back into his life? Why, if it hadn’t been for her, he never would have known he had an uncle-dad. He never would have bonded with him. He never would have poked at his own scars and cut open his own heart and allowed himself to hope again. Hanna is like, “Emily told me I can’t prioritize this one today, so let’s make out instead.” They do. Ella stares at them like a Spencer. It’s weird. Real weird. She looks and looks for many seconds past what is an appropriate amount of time to watch your daughter’s best friend do kissy things with her boyfriend.

Emily is still noodling on how to get Spencer to come on home from Radley, when she gets a [lecherous?!] text from Shana Costumeshop. Aria is like, “Girl, no. I know it feels safe to flirt with a spare lesbian while your true love is in Out of Town, but it is a slippery slope.” Hanna wanders up and asks why Emily is blushing — “Are you thinking about that Halloween when you eye-fucked Jenna Marshall again?” — but Emily shuts them down with a new plan: They’ll break into the morgue and take a photo of John Doe to prove it’s not Toby, and then maybe Spencer will come back and take over the job of being Spencer, because, honestly, it’s friggin’ exhausting.

Handsomest Handsome in Handsome Town, Eddie Lamb, invites Spener to play an pirate explorer board game with him, but before Spencer can accept his invitation, Wren shows up to apologize for not visiting her sooner, and also to shoot British hate daggers at Eddie with his eyeballs. After Eddie reluctantly leaves them alone, Wren is all, “Darling, you know my kink is hot messes, and this —” he waves his hand in a circle to encompass her entire person “— is doing it for me in ways you’ve never even imagined, but I have actual medial business to attend to, so sit tight and think of things that make you even more bananas and I’ll be back soon.”

I guess you can’t expect to be married to Byron Montgomery for almost two decades and come out completely unscatthed, but heavens, Ella is channeling him hard today. After staring down Caleb and Hanna in the hallway, she calls Hanna into her classroom to tell her that Caleb’s dad stole the fancy bronze bell from the church belfry and replaced it with one made out of aluminum foil. She knows because she’s on the church restoration committee and they’re trying to decide who to blame besides Pastor Ted for hiring a contractor who also is a burglar. Oh, and don’t tell Caleb. Or the other Liars. Or Uncle Jamie.

At Radley, Spencer has discovered a treasure map in the pirate explorer game. The game board is a grid with oceans and continents and shipwrecks and things, but someone has drawn little Radley map keys all over the place. The unbroken circle piano. A murder room. The doll hospital. Spencer follows the map down an empty corridor and finds a clearly marked escape route out of an unhinged door. Outside is a garden, and freedom also. Lucas is hiding in the bushes, grooming himself and stopping occasionally to sniff the air. Mike Montgomery is there, trying to hawk some blind girl craft fair pottery to Holden, who is practicing his krav maga on that guy Alex who broke up with Spencer when he thought she wanted him to go to tennis camp in Switzerland. Noel Kahn is playing truth or dare with a garden gnome. Jackie Molina and Meredith are trying to get Sean to prove he doesn’t have Ken doll genitals. And ol’ Ben Coogan flips through photos of Ali, Maya, Paige, Samara, Horrible Quin, and Shana on his phone, working out what he did to make Emily gay.

Spencer smirks. Jackpot.

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