“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.21: Dead, Deader, Deadest

Emily storms over and demands to know what this new guy is doing driving the truck her friend pawned her sister’s engagement ring to buy for her boyfriend, and the new guys goes, “I’m your dead girlfriend’s cousin. No? I’m a swim team scout from Danby? Huh. Not that either. OK, I’m Toby’s co-worker and he’s Out of Town and I’m here to pick up his table saw?” Emily bites on that one and starts demanding answers about Toby’s whereabouts and whenabouts and did this new guy ever see him wearing a black hoodie or injecting human growth hormone into sports cream tubes or anything. The new guy blows her off, which is the number one sign he is a Bad Guy, because when Emily Fields demands an audience with you, you stand there mesmerized at your great good fortune for as long as she bestows her gaze upon you. If her face doesn’t enrapture you, you are a crooked jerky jockey.

Spencer is at home staring some more. Staring and staring and staring. This time she stares so long her brain actually goes to that Beautiful Mind code-cracking place. The “With Deepest Sympathy” banner has two not-shiny letters, the “E” and the “M,” which Spencer thinks means “Em” as in “Emily,” but I’m guessing has something to do with “E. Lamb,” but which I hope is a secret message from Toby referencing E.M. Forester’s most famous quote about love: “It isn’t possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.” Spencer rushes over to Emily’s to share her theory and also to let her know she’ll be bodyguarding her all afternoon, right after she zips her up in this bullet-proof vest and shuts all the blinds and locks all the doors and seals them inside a clear titanium bubble and wraps herself around Emily as just one more shell of protection. Emily takes the “EM” banner away and pets Spencer’s hair and kisses her forehead and says, “Sweetheart, I think you need a nap.”

After trolling the courthouse and finding no sign of Wilden, Ashley breaks forth into the sunlight and sees his ghost hanging out at that pizza place where Wesley beat that man up with a slice of pepperoni a couple of weeks ago. She walks across the street, ogling like a Spencer, and almost gets hit by a car. When she regains her balance, ghost Wilden is gone. (By the way, that’s two ghost sightings for Ashley so far. First Halloween and now this. It’d better not be a tumor!)

Babysitter’s Club: Malcolm is playing silently on the iPad and — aww, Aria cut the crust off of Malcolm’s peanut butter sandwich. What a lamb. She feeds him his snack and pats his shaggy head and prays to God he can plan Angry Birds for three hours without blinking. Hanna’s like, “Which thing is weirder: that you are babysitting your boyfriend’s kid who was born when you were in like the fourth grade, or Spencer Hastings, master detective, getting her v-card swiped by A?” A police siren whizzes by and Hanna runs to the window in time to see that it is Wilden’s car, which: knowing what we know now, that’s a pretty ballsy move, because A is driving that stolen car right through town to deposit it into Hanna’s garage and she’s doing it with all the sirens blaring. Hanna bounces because she’s got to find the notes Spencer gave her on destroying evidence, and she’s out the door about five minutes before Malcolm starts jumping on the bed and bumps his chin and has to go to the emergency room, where Ezra shows up and starts acting like Aria punched his son in the head.

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