“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.21: Dead, Deader, Deadest

Emily decides to completely ignore Spencer’s advice about not engaging in a Toby hunt so she calls him and texts him and finally decides to break into his loft. (Note how close she comes to getting sawed in half at some kind of all-night lumber mill later on, which is always what happens when the Liars ignore Spencer’s advice, even when she is … how she is right now.) Anyway, this whole thing is such an Emily move. The girl who said “please” and “ma’am” when she was begging to come out of a murder coma simply will not believe that Toby is evil until she has politely offered him a cup of tea and a chance to strangle her.

Aria be-bops over to Ezra’s for their morning coffee/feelings exchange, but when she opens up the door, there’s a monster on the loose. Aria doesn’t recognize him as Ezra’s son Malcolm because, like Jason DiLaurentis before him, he has had a head transplant. Also, he may have changed ethnicities. He’s got floppy hair and adorable eyes and an impish little smile and I’m pretty sure he’s Big A. I have a very weird relationship with TV children. I only trust television kids that are assholes a little bit. Because that’s what real life kids are like, even the best ones, even my perfect nephew. Sometimes they’re real wankers. So, like, Rudy Huxtable, Sally Draper, Luke Dunphy, James Fitch: I love those guys. But Henry from Once Upon a Time or when Raven was on The Cosby Show or Michelle from Full House, those kinds of kids whose main thing is being sickeningly sweet: I’m pretty sure all of them are evil. Malcolm strikes me as that kind of beast. And, like, is it a coincidence that he shows up on one of the most traumatizing weeks ever? There are no coincidence, OK? Ask Emily after she gets home from the sawmill.

Aria tries to slowly back out of Ezra’s loft, but Ezra and Malcolm convince her to stay and play trains. Malcom wheels his locamotive around the tracks and makes chugga-chugga noises and goes, “All aboard the Ghost Train! Next stop, Deadman’s Bend! If you’ve got any live girls trapped inside plywood boxes, throw them off here!” And oh, Aria and Ezra giggle. Isn’t he just adorable?

Emily zooms around Toby’s loft in a way that illustrates how she’s taken over Spencer’s coffee-drinking habits too. Hanna is frantic in her own way, searching every news channel to see if anyone’s reporting the discovery of a very dead, very pancake-shaped Rosewood PD detective. Emily assumes it’s an excuse Hanna is using to get out of helping her look for clues, because: a) When has Hanna ever watched the news? And b) What person under the age of 25 gets their news from TV? Emily shouts, like legitimately sexily shouts and snatches the remote from Hanna’s hands and flops into a chair and flips into an existential crisis about how she is who she is because Toby gave her the courage to be it. That’s some serious shit right there. He rescued her growth chart from her bedroom when her family was moving to Texas and he visited her in the hospital and she told him about liking girls and he told her the truth about his relationship with Jenna and they had coffee and sat in her window seat and she kissed him on the cheek and said, “See how easy it was for us to get back to this place.” He got her and she got him and they loved each other in a way that mattered.

Hanna tells Emily to check with Toby’s parents: “They’re like Spencer’s parents, but even more imaginary.” But first, they find a motorcycle book Emily gave Toby for his last birthday and inside is his Radley pass with the name “E. Lamb.”

Ezbian Fitzgerald’s Cake Emporium. Maggie has been out hunting jobs and donuts all day. She’s got a lead at 4:00, but Ezra’s teaching a Website Page-building seminar then, so Aria offers to watch Malcolm die for a couple of hours this afternoon. Ezra thinks that’s exactly the kind of introduction his son needs to the horror of living in Rosewood — “and wear one of your weirdest things, just so he really gets a feel for the terror” — so he he offers to pay her five dollars an hour and she can eat whatever she wants from the fridge.

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