“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.20: Sonnet to Sappho

After making out for a while, Emily excuses herself to go interrogate CeCe Drake about the Great Cape May Boat Photo of 2010, but CeCe’s not feeling up to talking. Mostly because she’s packing her shit up to run away. (Nooo! First Jenna and now CeCe? What did we do to deserve this! Go away, stupid Maggie and Malcom! We don’t want your family drama! We want crazy bitches with nefarious machinations!) Before she skips town, she tells Emily that Melissa Hastings was also on that boat that day in Cape May. She is the one who took the photo.

OK, so. I don’t even know which thing to talk about next because they’re both so good I want to punch a hole in the space-time continuum so I can watch them again for the first time last night right now. OK. OK. Let’s do Spencer first. Melissa accosts her when she gets home because I guess Wren is the only person on earth who wears the one unique bottle of cologne she bought for him five years ago when they were dating. And I also guess he rubbed all over Spencer like some kind of cat or something because as soon as she walks in the door Melissa hollers at her about smelling like him.

Spencer decides to relieve some tension by dialing up a nice steam bath in her very own space-age sauna. Just as she’s settling in, all nice and naked like, A creeps by in the shadows. Ten minutes later, Spencer realizes that the sauna has gone sentient and locked her inside and also stopped responding to her requests to turn down the heat. She screams for help, bangs on the glass, notices a note from A — “Stop slutting it up with Wren and I’ll stop boiling your insides like noodle soup!” — and is just about to give up the fight when Aria rushes in and frees her. She holds Spencer and pets Spencer and whispers, “It’s a good thing my Sparia senses started tingling.”

Aria dresses Spencer in some pajamas and gets her a popsicle and finally asks who tried to kill her. Was it Mona? Was it Red Coat? Was it Melissa, just because she sometimes does that? Spencer’s face finally does the thing it hasn’t done in so many weeks: it softens. She tells Aria to call Emily and Hanna. She’s got a lie to reveal, and it’s not pretty or little.

Ashley Marin leaves her solo dinner to find that Wilden has been following her down a lonely country lane. He says she’s been drinking and driving, tells her to get out of the car, threatens to take care of Hanna, and finally reaches for his gun before Ashley fully steps on the gas and runs his ass down. What a gift. WHAT A GIFT. Ashley Marin, you are Santa Claus and Jesus all rolled into one. May you live forever, may your cellar never be without wine, may your pasta boxes overflow with the cash of a thousand elderly widows.

She goes home and sits in the dark and switches to whiskey and when Hanna finds her alone in the kitchen, she really truly says, “I’m pretty sure I killed Detective Wilden.”

She and Hanna drive out to the scene of the glorious moment, where Wilden’s police car camera is still recording every single thing, and his dead body has pulled an Ian Thomas, just jumped right up and walked right away.

The Risen Mitten plays a little “Steam Heat” on the record player and crafts a condolence wreath with some roses and things. The radiator’s hissin’, still I need your kissin’, pour some more oil on the burner.

Forever thank you to my screencapping partner Maggie (@MargaretRosey). She’s seen inside your heart. She knows your Sparia senses tingle too.

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