“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.20: Sonnet to Sappho

 
 

Aria is doing a little feelings journaling at the Brew when she hears the sound of a fiery steed being dismounted just beyond the front doors. She shivers as a whisper of remembered words drifts across her skin: “And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to her that sat thereon to take peace from the earth!” The click-click-click of Wasp-high pumps. The crackle of the End Times. The reappearance of Diane Fitzgerald. She sits herself right down across from Aria and picks apart her psyche as calmly as a lion with a day-old zebra carcass. She hints that she knows Aria housed and snogged Wesley and then praises her for the courage she has displayed in choosing to commit, at 17 years of age, to spend her entire life being the third most important person in her boyfriend’s life. It’s a devastating blow, gloriously played. Diane Fitzgerald: The Original DiLaurentis.

Emily mopes around Hanna’s room trying to figure out this whole “envy” situation that’s playing itself out in her chest and stomach, and Hanna decides to get at the heart of the issue by questioning Shana’s sexuality. Actual words that come out of her perfect mouth: “Are you even sure Shana’s gay? She barely even looked at me.” Emily goes, “That’s the criteria for being a lesbian now?” And Hanna, again, verbatim: “I’m just saying, you should have seen those girls fighting over me at that bar.” Emily nods her head with so much disbelief, even though Hanna’s gayness evaluation tactic is entirely accurate. No time to talk about that, though, because the most urgent thing is Aria’s feelings about Ezra. She clomps in and flops down on the bed and explains that he’s back, along with his awful amazing mother. She can’t decide if she’s more upset because she’s a stepmom now or because Ezra didn’t call her when he was learning the ropes of fatherhood or because there’s a miniature, fuller-lipped, son-less Fitzgerald just waiting to be molded into a Vegan-eater, just outside of town at a place called Dillhole (…or Dillard?). Hanna’s ready to stir up the drama, but Emily goes, “How about talking to the Fitz that fits, for a change?”

Detective Wilden stalks Ashley to Rosewood Grille and offers her a glass of wine, which Ashley refuses, which means shit’s about to get real. Wilden tries to menace her the way he menaced the Liars last night, but Ashley’s even less interested in his bullshit than her four daughters. He tells her to get Hanna on lockdown or he’s going to take matters into his own hands, and she tells him to keep it up and she’s going to take his dick into her own hands and chop it right off.

At least Spencer is still reading, right? I mean, that’s something. She’s enjoying a book at the Brew when Wren pops by to chat about their little excursion to the literal place of Crazytown. She’s like, “Yeah, sorry I used you to attack Mona in her face.” And Wren legitimately goes, “My motives weren’t entirely altruistic either. By which I mean that I hoped to use your emotional vulnerability and mental instability to get into your pants.” Add that to the fact that he’s her sister’s ex-boyfriend/arch-nemesis’ ex-psychiatrist, and it’s all systems go for making out. Off they go on a date and she has such a good time that she actually confesses to this lifelong habit she has of committing crimes and burying the evidence in her backyard. Like lilac paperweights she stole from her Nana. (And hockey sticks she used to murder her best friend?!?) They kiss in public and someone creeps on them. You think it’s Toby, but after Wren is gone, Spencer spies a Red Coat.

Aria lets herself into Ezra’s apartment where he is shouting at his mom to get on her armageddon horse and trot right back to hell. I guess Diane’s game is: now that Ezra is in the know about his kid, the proper thing is an Ezbian-Mack wedding and a traditional family. But he’s perfectly happy hopping between here and Delaware and also take back that stuffed T-Rex and also get out. Aria is so turned on watching him butch up that she slips him a five-second frencher as soon as Diane is out the door. Their vegan takeout/black-and-white movie night is cut short, though, when Maggie calls to say that Diane is kicking her and Malcom out of their house. Lord, Ezra’s loft is about to get crowded, what with him and Aria and Wes and Maggie and Malcom and Diane and whoever else has a key. Jackie Molina, probably. That lady next door with the bundt cakes.

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