“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.20: Sonnet to Sappho

Rosewood Webisode Costume Shop. Here’s what’s amazing about this place: It’s open in March, with full-time employees and music blaring and customers shopping and no one thinks it’s even a little bit weird. Like, that’s how fucking crazy Rosewood, PA is as a place of residence. So much creepy ass shit is perpetrated by masked villains at all times that no one even questions the normalcy of a year-round Halloween parlor. It’s like living in Gotham City. What’s even more amazing, though, is that Shana from The Rosebud is there and she’s got a whole lot of proprietary feelings about Paige McCullers.

Shana: I checked with my boss and I can’t give you any information about who bought that Queen of Hearts costume that was worn by the girl that attacked you on the terror train where you were probably getting a leg over with this bitch right here.
Paige: Maybe you could have told me that on the phone?
Shana: And lose the chance to meet Little Miss Amazing Swim Team Anchor Perfect Hair First Kiss Karaoke Loved Her Since I Met Her Emily Heavenly Fields?
Hanna: Hey, I’m Hanna.

Emily’s face is so great. So many things are happening to her right now that have never happened to her in her life. There is a lesbian standing right in front of her that does not want to date her, or even be nice to her, for starters. And then this other thing that she has heard about and read about but never experienced starts clawing at her stomach and then her chest like some kind of dragon trapped inside her. She looks confused and then kind of nauseous and then a little mad and then her face is like, “Wait, am I … is this … jealousy?” She looks at Paige and Shana and Shana and Paige, and then she excuses herself to the restroom to vomit. Hanna takes the opportunity to drag Shana and Paige over to the Queen of Hearts costume to get a good look at it. After all, she’s really into fashion. Also, how rad is this Little Boy Blue pirate blouse shirt? What’s this stuff made of anyway? Silk? Chiffon? Cotton Voile Sateen? Shana goes, “Uh, burlap, moron.” And she looks at Paige like, “Yeah, you really traded up with this crew.”

Meanwhile, Emily is transitioning fully into Spencer, hacking into the store’s computer and emailing herself the list of people who bought Queen of Hearts costumes because the FBI has, quite rightly, started making Rosewood keep a database of that shit. The phone rings and the Liars bounce and on the way out the door, the most realistic lesbian thing I have ever seen on TV: The very, very, very ex-girlfriend-y way Shana and Paige look at each other. Paige flips around and shrugs kind of aggressively, like, “Yeah, I’ve seen you naked and I’m sorry Hanna Marin is so weird but thanks a lot for getting me into trouble with Emily.” And Shana’s eyes kind of scowl into an eye-roll and she drops her jaw, like, “You called me for help and then brought those crazies in here and now you’re leaving without even an apology and TELL THAT BITCH EMILY FIELDS I TOUCHED YOUR BOOBS FIRST.”

Dear Chad Lowe, you are a very good director and actor. I’m sorry Byron is the worst person on the planet and that he deserves all the hate in my heart. Lindsey Shaw, you are everything.

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