“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.20: Sonnet to Sappho


Aria returns home to find a note from Wesbian explaining that he’d rather be homeless than compromise her relationship with Ezra, which is exactly the wish of every Ezria shipper. That and also that wild dogs break into his car and eat him to death.

Hanna and Ashley are enjoying a Loreali/Rory-esque coffee-drinking walk-and-talk before school when they spot Wilden shoving CeCe into his car. Ashley, immediately, is like, “Based on your face, you’re going to jail again soon, huh?” Hanna says that CeCe says that Ali said that Wilden said that he’d murder her dead if she told anyone she was pregnant with his statutory rape baby. Ashley is just flabbergasted. You charge a man with having a relationship with a girl under the age of 18 in this town and you will never work again! Unless you are: Ezra, Wren, Ian, Garrett, Byron, Jason, etc. She tells Hanna to stop associating with CeCe, and Hanna is like, “Fine, but if I get attacked by a black racer snake and no one is around to beat it to death with a mannequin leg, it’s on you.”

Melissa Hastings, lookin’ like exceptional quality with her new haircut, finds Spencer in bed, skipping school, again. She pretends that they have parents, that their parents called to check on Spencer, that she’s covering for her with these parents, and that the next time those imaginary-guys imaginary-call she’s going to tell them Spencer is catatonic. Spencer can’t even muster up the energy to roll her eyes; she just flops over onto her side and stares some more.

At school Emily is wearing: a denim vest on top of a leather jacket on top of a plaid button up on top of a henley, every layer trying to out-gay all the others in some kind of ultimate homo fashion fisticuffs. She and Hanna talk about how they probably got CeCe murdered like they’re probably going to get Caleb and Paige murdered, but speaking of which, did Paige ever get any information about that Queen of Hearts costume? Emily’s like, “It’s just, the guilt I will feel if another person I’m dating gets brutally slaughtered—” Hanna goes, “Say no more, girl. The last thing I did for Caleb, before what will be his certain destruction, was reunite him with his five-dollar-thieving father. But if we chaperone Paige on her misadventures, what could possibly go wrong?” Uh, have you met any of you three guys, just individually? The collective power of your disaster-magnetism could summon a hell demon from the deepest pits of Satan’s chambers. And that’s without even trying. Just sleeping in the same zip code, on a good luck day, you guys could make that happen.

Aria stops by Ezra’s to water his plants and poke his little brother, but guess who is there, just folding some flannel shirts and somehow looking even more handsome than regular? It’s Ezbian Fitzgerald! Aria thinks for a single nanosecond about coming clean on the brother-kissing, but does the exact opposite thing: she comes out of her corner with her tiny fists flying. She says he shut her out and her imagination went to a bad place, he says he shut her out because he didn’t want her to have to deal with harsh reality, she says she missed him, he says he missed her. It’s very emotional and they’re both relieved and tears and feelings and lesbianism, but really, they could have circumvented this whole tangle by starting at the end of the conversation. “I am craving vegan takeout,” is what Ezbian says. “We are the only two people on earth who could actually crave such a thing,” is how Aria responds. See? Soul mates. Settled. Have a cake.

Spencer is using her free period to hang out in Ella’s classroom, where she apparently scribbled a whole bunch of stuff about Keats on the blackboard and then collapsed onto her desk like — well, like Keats would have done, actually. It’s no surprise Spencer feels such a kinship with the guy. A doctor with a poet’s heart and a duplicitous fiance. So smart, in fact, that he was the only one who realized/accepted the fact that he was going to die a horrible, early death. So he burned up his genius hard and bright and wrote his own engraving on his own tombstone: Here lies one whose name was writ in water. Poor ol’ Keats. Poor ol’ Spencer.

Ella finds her there, contemplating the nature of desire and the way nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love, and gently tries to coax her back into herself. Spencer tells Ella what she told Emily last week, that she is changed, broken, and she tries to make her voice sound as hard as she thinks her heart is, but all she really does is reveal the rawness of both of those things. Ella is like, “The door to my classroom and to my heart are always open to you, Hastings. I’ve loved you since your fifth birthday party, when you sucker-punched your own dad in the nuts to keep from losing a game of pool volleyball.” The bell rings, Spencer rushes out. The one thing she absolutely cannot handle right now is the compassion and knowing wisdom of Ella Piper Montgomery.

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