“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.19: Whiskey Lullaby


Emily is back to school after getting shot down by Spencer, hoping to find clues for her healing among trinkets of academia, I suppose, but instead of help for Spencer, she finds Jason DiLaurentis sitting alone in circle of chairs, murmuring to himself, as always, about his sister’s corpse. Emily tells him about the missing photo of Wilden from the summer in Cape May when he impregnated Ali and Jason says he probably knows of a similar photo in a frame in a box in an office in Philadelphia. These DiLaurentis children and their treasure hunts. The Lord. Emily agrees to go with him, but first they have to stop by his house, the porch of which has been covered in one bajillion whiskey bottles like the ones the Risen Mitten bought last week. Emily, whose best friend was very nearly thrown from a moving train less than a month ago, is like, “How horrible! You are a recovering addict and this is the most despicable thing I have ever seen!”

Hey, Melissa is back! Hey, you ol’ cuckoo bird! You ol’ devil incubator! You ol’ Satan marry-er! You ol’ Byron’s flashback Ali-murderer! Pour a glass of milk and drink it all creepy like your husband used to do! Melissa and Spencer talk about their “parents,” like such a thing exists for them, but are interrupted by a knock on the door from Dr. Wren Kingston. One note of his British accent and Melissa retires to the barn with her dinner, while Wren explains that Mona sent him to check up on Spencer because she has recognized some hints of adrenalized hyperreality in her recent behavior. In fact, Mona is correct, which Spencer confirms by quickly convincing Wren to take her on a date to some upstate blind girl craft fair on this very night.

After telling her to mind her own beeswax w/r/t his father, Caleb shows up at Hanna’s house dressed in his hobo finery at the very last minute to go to dinner with the two of them. It seems very much like Uncle Jamie is going to stand them up, but he, too, shows up just in the nick of time at the Brew. The only thing they have in common, besides DNA, is that they both realize Hanna Marin is the bee’s knees. Frankly, it’s a substantial truth on which to build a relationship. Hanna is just that special. After guiding them through the first few awkward steps of conversation, Hanna slips out and rushes home to ask her mom to ask Pastor Ted to give Uncle Jamie a job rebuilding the belfry that broke when Ian murdered Spencer and Spencer murdered him back. (They sure do take their sweet time cleaning up shit in this church. Years without sweeping for flash drives on the floor, years without repairing major structural damage.) Ashley’s mouth says she’ll ask, but Ashley’s face says, “Girl, I hope you’re not trying to work out your own daddy issues by reuniting your boyfriend with his uncle-dad.”

Wren drives Spencer waaaaaay out into the woods. Like, Paige’s PTSD would have her pulling up oak trees by their roots with her bare hands, is how far out in the woods they are. “Just a little further,” she keeps saying. “Just over this river and just under this bridge. Yes, we’re almost there now. It smells like troll.” They happen upon a country cafe and Spencer coaxes Wren inside to get them a table, while she takes a just quick moment to powder her nose.

Only, guess what? She really only drove all the way out here because it’s where the academic decathlon is being held and she couldn’t go another second without menacing Mona. The teachers are like, “Goodness me, Spencer, the competition doesn’t really start until tomorrow and you’re not even really on the team and, if you don’t mind me asking, why are your eyeballs glowing red like that?” Spence pushes past them to thank Mona for sending a sexy psychiatrist to look after her. Why, he’s just outside now, booking them a room in this spooky cabin for the night, and also sleep with your eyes open, Vanderwaal, because not even a doctor-psychiatrist-dentist-veterinarian-acupuncturist as skilled as Wren will be able to heal the Hastings-face pain she is going to bring down on Mona’s face. Mona mocks her about Toby and Spencer bristles, but then she takes it one step too far and invokes the names of the Liars. Did you know Spencer can fly? She can fly. She flies right across the table and grabs Mona by the neck and literally screams “DIIIIIEEEEEE!” at her.

Also somewhere weird are Jason and Emily. I guess they’re in Jason’s dad’s new apartment or something. It hasn’t been unpacked, though. Just boxes strewn here and there and everywhere. Because they were packed by a DiLaurentis, each of these boxes could contain severed heads, skeleton keys, dolls or snow globes or regular old pot holders. What they are looking for is a photo of Wilden and Ali together in Cape May because that will prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he made her great with child. They do find such a photo, only there is a surprise third party in the frame. It smiles like Ali, it tilts its head like Ali, it wears its hair like Ali. It is CeCe Drake. She also is the father of Ali’s baby!

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