“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.17: Code For Something Gay

 
 

Spencer sits in her car listening to Sad FM and crying and putting on mascara and crying and putting on mascara. It’s horrible. It’s so horrible. She finally manages to get her Hastings Face in place and goes inside to meet Toby. Only, it’s not Toby at all. It’s an assassin! Or a private detective. She gives him half a photo of Toby and a key to A’s lair and wishes him luck. I love this conversation Maya Goldsmith, the writer, has been having with us all night.

Us: Spencer has stopped sleuthing! She’s gone mad!
Her: Wait for it.
Us: Spencer is being mean to Emily and Aria! She has hit rock bottom!
Her: Wait for it.
Us:: Oh my god, she’s given up studying too?! She’s climbed under rock bottom!!
Her: Wait for it.
Us: SHE HIRED SOMEONE ELSE TO SOLVE A MYSTERY FOR HER? OH, SPENCER! YOU’RE BROKEN FOREVER!
Her: There it is.

At Rosewood PD HQ, where Emily and Hanna have just handed over Ali’s notebook to Wilden, right before discovering that “beach hottie” was Wilden — Spencer, come back! Look what is happening without you! — some cops drag Hanna in because she’s been busted for underage drinking. Emily is like, “Why are you covered in flirtini? Hanna, where have you been?” And Hanna is all, “Nowhere. No one was there. There was no plaid, no one was talking about Tegan and Sara.”

Ashley takes Hanna home and they have such a conversation.

Ashley: Honey, were you underage drinking? Or getting murdered? Or is this about some new feelings you are developing? It’s OK if it’s that last thing; you know I’ve always preferred Emily to you anyway.
Hanna: Mom, come on. You think I wouldn’t try it on with Emily if that was what I was into? That girl is heaven. What happened was I was spying on Paige and someone threw a pink drink on me.
Ashley: PinkDrink? Is that code for something gay?
Hanna: What, no? It’s code for … yeah, actually, I guess it is. Have you ever heard of the butch/femme dynamic? Whatever, I need a shower.
Ashley: OK, well, use some hot oil! And I really am cool with whatever lesbian stuff!

Downtown in her child-free loft, Ella Montgomery’s ears perk-up.

Aria finds Ezra wheeling a suitcase full of cupcakes and diaries out of his apartment. He’s not mad. He talked to Maggie. She explained it to him. Aria wants to know where he’s going, when he’ll be back, what time she should expect him to come over tomorrow to read poetry and kiss her in the rain. Ezra stops his Hello Kitty suitcase in its tracks and just bursts into tears. It’s like those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials! It’s awful! It burns! Make it stop! He’s got a kid now. A kid in Delaware. A kid in Delaware and a job he can do anywhere and nothing will ever be the same. He kisses Aria on the forehead, gets in his Prius hybrid, and drives his lesbianism north.

Vivian Darkbloom messes around with her Pretty Little Bratz dolls, all, “Oh, look at me, I’m Aria. My boyfriend’s smile is like a rainbow and my purse is made of dragonskin. Oh, look at me, I’m Hanna. Everybody of every gender wants to scissor me, apparently, and The Rosebud probably even named a drink after me. The Muff Dive. Oh, look at me, I’m — aw, fuck it.” She fires up a blowtorch and lights them all on fire.

Next week: Emily kills Alison!

Thank you forever to Maggie (@MargaretRosey), my screencapping partner and emotional crutch for times when I cannot stop wailing about a wasted McCullers head-dip.

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