“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.17: Code For Something Gay


Rosweood PD HQ. Snivellus is still trying to either get into Pam’s pants or get that box of clues, but he’s going about it in the stupidest way possible, weaving this yarn about how he and Emily are kindred spirits, what with both of them having stabbed a dude in the stomach with a pocket knife before. Pam is a little bit afraid. She’s like, “My husband is in the Army, by the way. Just in case you didn’t realize it when he stopped by here earlier wearing that t-shirt that said ‘Army.’”

So, last night Spencer was making homemade lasagna with Nana’s secret recipe and tonight she is stabbing at Lean Cuisine lasagna with a pair of scissors. Aria wanders in, not to yell at her, but to check on her. She’s like, “So, it occurs to me that you’ve looked you have the zombie flu all day and then my mom told me you left class without outsmarting everybody and now you’re in here beating the shit out of a frozen dinner. Is A all up in your nut today, or…?” Spencer goes, “It’s not fucking A, OK? Every shitty thing that happens to us is not A! We do this to ourselves, you know? You chose not to tell Ezra about his little lesbian kid, you chose to drink that poison tea Meredith was giving you, you chose to … I’m still not clear how you ended up in that box with Garrett’s dead body on the nightmare train, but I’m pretty sure it was your fault too.” Aria’s eyes get wider than they’ve ever gotten, which, you’ll agree, is saying something. She backs slowly out of the kitchen, never turning her eyes away from Spencer’s scissors.

Emily meets up with CeCe Drake to talk about the photo she found of her and Ali in that Biology notebook and CeCe is like, “I don’t know what to tell you, Americano. There were lot of beach hotties in Cape May that summer, even though I mostly spent the whole time trying to bone Jason DiLaurentis.” She does, however, have a flashback to share with Emily. It is Ali and Ali is pregnant and Ali is scared and Ali knows that if the guy who got her pregnant finds out, there will be no one to save Ali from evil.

Emily’s face is like, “This seems like relevant information you probably should have relayed to literally anyone, years ago.” And CeCe is like, “That’s not how I roll, girl. You kill a snake with a mannequin leg, you move on.”

Man, this show is so good right now. I actually can’t believe how good it is right now. There’s no way this concept should have been able to hold tension this long, but it’s actually better now than even it was back in season one. We’re getting answers — for example, page five of that autopsy report totally had information about Ali’s pregnancy, I’ll bet you a thousand dollars (or one blogger cake party) — and we’re getting more questions and everyone is lying to everyone and Liars are betraying Liars and Emily’s clothes don’t even have shoulders anymore.

Hanna is chatting with Aria about how she’s tailing Paige while she’s tailing Paige and then she realizes she’s tailed her right into a lesbian bar. It is amazing. It is the most amazing. They could have filmed this scene anywhere: Brew, school, the park. But no. They converted and set-dressed a lesbian bar and filled it with extras and you will never, ever convince me that this isn’t a personal love letter to this very website. Lesbians are everywhere, flirting and dancing and drinking and making out and being so gay. The way it’s shot is so good. Hanna wanders in and it’s like, you know, Girls. And then Girls, Girls, Girls. And then Girls with Girls. And Girls with Girls fully checking her out and nodding appreciatively.

Paige is there also, chatting up Shana from Pretty Dirty Secrets and she looks Uh-mazing. What I like is that she’s running the floor here, clearly, which means that she’s got serious swerve, which means that she gets so weird with Emily all the time because Emily throws her completely off her game. I mean, obviously. You’ve seen Emily with your eyeballs. You’re not brushing your hair with an electric toothbrush.

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