“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.17: Code For Something Gay

 
 

Spencer cries even harder and Emily says she gets it; it’s never easy reading about all the people Ali was throwing her vagina at, and Spencer collapses into her arms and tells the half-truth that she and Toby broke up.

In literature class, Ella(!!!) — actually, timeout. I just want to say I am very glad to see three Pretty Little Moms back in action this week. After weeks of the dads getting their robot house alarm phones stolen and getting their daughters killed by their psychotic mistresses, it’s about time we got back to business with these women who (kind of) know what’s up. Anyway, in literature class, everyone is talking about how it must have sucked to be Winston Smith in Nineteen Eighty-Four, constantly under surveillance and ultimately betrayed to Big Brother by the one person he thought he could trust.

Spencer is already calculating how many matches it would take to burn every copy of that book in the whole world when a text comes through from Aria asking Spence to meet her in the park because Ezra just broke up with her. She figures lighting Ezra on fire would actually be even better than the book thing, so she tells Ella to S her D and bounces right up out of there.

Spencer rides a bike now. Even though she’s reached an amicable resolution to her feud with Paige, she rides a bike now. It’s because no matter how much she likes Paige, no matter how many times Paige has saved her life, she can’t let Paige be better at a thing than she is, and so she rides a bike now.

She rides it to the park and when she she spots Ezra just sitting at a picnic table typing away and eating a piece of cake (naturally), she hops off of her bike while it’s still moving and clomps over to his little woodland paradise. Ezra, adorably, is chomping away on that dessert and grinning, all, “Hey, Spencer, I didn’t see where you—” but she cuts him off with a swift slap to the mouth. He tries three times to get her to explain what the heck she’s so mad about and also why she keeps cold-clocking his beautiful head. Finally she starts berating him for writing his big lesbian feelings down on paper and then she just comes out of her frame: “DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO KEEP A SECRET FROM SOMEONE YOU LOVE, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD? IT IS NOT A SOLO BLOGGER CAKE PARTY IN THE PARK, I’LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW! IF YOU WANT TO RIP SOMEONE’S BEATING HEART OUT OF HER CHEST AND RUN IT THROUGH THE WOOD CHIPPER, YOU DO IT TO THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD, MAGGIE FROM DELEWARE!”

Ezra goes, “Who the what now?” And Spencer goes, “Oh, shit. Uh … goodbye forever!” And she runs off into the bushes again, howling to beat the band.

Troian is incandescent this week, y’all. Just playing my heart like a fiddle that was made to do her bidding. (Have you seen her in Lauren? You really should see her in Lauren.)

At Pam’s new job at the police department, she asks that one regular beat cop who is not Garrett what she should do about the box of clues Cousin Nate’s family sent to Emily. Detective Snape overhears her and slithers up, all, “Bring those clues on in here, lady. I’ve never traumatized your daughter and her friends before and I’ve never outed her as a lesbian and I’ll be sure never to not do any of those things again in the future.” Pam is like, “My goodness, what lovely co-workers you all are!”

Rosewood High. The Liars are settling down to lunch when a wild Ezbian appears in the courtyard. You know how puppies chew? That is how Emily is chewing. She’s chewing like that and when Ezra runs in asking about his seven-year-old love child, Emily stops chewing, and then Aria takes him outside, and she starts chewing again. It’s so funny. So while she thumbs through that biology notebook and finds a photo of CeCe Drake, Aria takes Ezra back out into the courtyard. He goes, “Spencer just accidentally told me in one single breath that I have a son!” And Aria is like, “You’d be surprised how often that happens. When Wesley accidentally told—” And oh, that just gets Ezra’s goat. He’s like, “You knew about my kid at our last cake party? Are you a monster or something?” He storms off to the stationary store because boy, is he ever going to have some journaling to do tonight.

Emily: still over there puppy-chewing.

Aria gets a text from A: “How do you like my new Spencer-shaped bomb? It’s positively A-tomic!”

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