“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.17: Code For Something Gay

The next morning, the Liars meet for coffee and also to discuss whatever fresh hells befell them in the night. No one notices that Spencer looks like a zombie who also has the flu. They’re all blah blah Ezra’s kid is practically starting high school now and Aria still hasn’t told him, and blah blah Caleb and Paige are all #TeamCaige all the time on Twitter now, and blah blah here’s this notebook full of clues. They ask about Spencer’s anniversary dinner and she’s like, “I hate everything!” and runs off into the bushes like a regular old Lucas. The Liars barely even notice; they just keep on talking about Ali’s biology notebook and how she was obsessed with a “beach hottie” and isn’t it lucky that Emily’s second dead girlfriend took all of Emily’s first dead girlfriend’s stuff to drug prison with her. Aria asks to see the cards and trinkets Emily sent to Ali, unless it’s too private. Which is a real hoot since the Liars spent 100 hours watching every video available at massugar.com.

The only real thing they can discern about the biology notebook is that the mystery author who was writing notes back-and-forth with Ali makes her “g” like Mamaw Marin. Hanana laughs. “I mean, it’s obviously not my grandma. There are some people we can trust.” From the bushes where they last saw Spencer, they hear the howl of a wounded animal.

At school, Hanna overhears Aria leaving a cryptic voicemail for Ezra, but she only has time for a drive-by “Just go to his apartment, you ninny” because she also overhears Paige SHOUTING LIKE A ROSEWOOD PHARMACIST about wet brains and secret meetings. Hanna shakes her head and rolls her eyes and makes plans to follow Paige to wherever she’s going tonight and put a stop her and Caleb getting dead.

Emily finds Spencer in the bathroom staring at herself in the mirror trying to find the balance between hating Toby and hating herself. Emily bebops in with that biology notebook and asks Spence to give it a look-see, but Spencer scowls and growls, “I am not doing any more sleuthing!” Emily laughs so loud, all, “Hahaha! Oh, man! I thought I just heard you say you aren’t going to do anymore sleuthing! What an hilarious joke!” Spencer says that’s exactly what she said and Emily’s looks like someone told her birds are going to stop flying and fish are going to stop swimming and the Pope is going to quit the church. Emily meeps out a couple of phrases like “beach hottie” and “Ian” and “lifeguard” but Spencer shuts her down: “Here’s an idea, Emsy. What if we’re the assholes? What if this is just karma’s way of showing us who’s boss? What if Alison was whore-ing it up here and there and everywhere and she got what was coming to her?” Emily looks down at the ground and swallows a horrible taste in her mouth and reminds Spencer that she was kind of in love with Ali, in case she’d forgotten, and all the ‘slut’ talk kind of hurts her feelings. Spencer just smirks, laughs, says, “Girl, wait’ll you get a load of what’s coming.”

But before she can leave in a huff of rage and glory, Emily thrusts a Toby-centric flashback into Spencer’s hands:

The main thing you need to know is that Toby is wearing a do-rag. OK? He’s in prison and he’s wearing a do-rag and he’s not wearing a shirt and whoever is in charge of the spritzer bottle on set today has gone to town on him, just slicked down his pecs and abs and also he is wearing a do-rag. Any time you’re watching a TV show, you’re going to wonder who the writers are aiming at with certain things. Like Toby marching around shirtless all the time is for the young straight girls in the audience. And this lesbian bar scene coming up, that’s clearly for us. But who, pray tell, is meant to be the beneficiary of Toby Cavanaugh in a do-rag? I think the answer is: humanity. This one is for the people. Folks are folks and each and everyone of us deserves this.

OK, so, Toby is in jail because the he was convicted of throwing that dynamite at Jenna’s face, right? I think that’s right. Ali stops by with a sack of threats from A, and Toby says that: a) It’s not him who’s sending the messages, because b) if it was him, he’d be doing something a helluva lot more sinister than trolling her with Post-It notes, and c) he’d be doing it to her posse also. Ali’s like, “Don’t you wish you had made out with me when you had the chance?” And he’s like, “Sod off, me and this do-rag are my OTP now.”

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