“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.16: Girl-on-Girl Talk

 
 

Hanna and Emily arrive at the Montgomery’s and dance around on the porch discussing the horrific ways Aria is probably being tortured inside. They try to call her phone for the one zillionth time, and then fuck it, they’re going in after her. She’s not on her couch deathbed. Or her bedroom deathbed. Lightning and thunder illuminate Meredith’s entrance as she appears in Aria’s bedroom doorway and offers to escort them to Aria’s basement deathbed. Thank you, you’re too kind, much obliged, etc.

“I’ll just be up here figuring out how much Sudafed I need to shove down y’all’s throats to shut you up for good,” Meredith sing-songs and she shoves them into the basement with the corpse of their best friend.

I don’t know. I guess if I ever realized I’d slept with Byron Montgomery, I’d have a psychotic break too.

Spencer calls Toby and asks if he’s on his way home in that truck she bought him. He says that yes, he’s on his way home. She tells him to be safe on his way home. And he says the real storm won’t even have broken by the time he gets home. “Enjoy your trip home, to the place where you are obviously going,” Spencer says. “I’ll be there soon,” Toby replies. “You can count on me to tell the truth.”

Hanna and Emily have managed to revive Aria. The three of them stand in the darkness and listen to Meredith click-clacking around on the hardwood floors. Season one Emily would have been in the corner crying and rocking back and forth. Season three Emily checks the possible escape routes, calculates the trajectory and force it would take for her and Hanna to hurl Aria through one of the windows, runs through a mental inventory of paralyzing pressure points just in case Meredith comes back down the stairs, and lunges for a golf club when she hears Byron pull up outside. Hanna’s like, “70/30 Byron kills us.” Emily is like, “75/25, and if we live, I get to borrow your five-inch Louboutins.” They flank Aria because even though it’s her dad, she’s the smallest and also is still stoned as hell.

Truth time! The basement door opens. Byron is lit up by the storm. He calls out to Aria and asks if she’s OK. By the time he gets down the stairs, Hanna has armed herself too. Byron sighs sadly. “Girls,” he says. “Oh, girls. I know I am the worst goddamn thing, but I didn’t kill Alison.”

Flashback: Ali calls Byron “Mr. Montgomery” and tells him he’s got one last chance to pay up or she’s going to Ella with evidence of his affair. Byron wishes she wouldn’t, but he says an asshole has got to do what an asshole has got to do (trust him, he knows), and so he bids her a good evening. On his way out of the yard, he sees Melissa Hastings storm outside and start shouting into her phone, probably about, “What do you mean demon semen is on backorder? Your website said it was in stock! How am I supposed to give birth to a devil without any of Satan’s sperm? …oh, wait. I might know a guy.”

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