“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.16: Girl-on-Girl Talk

Emily is feeling bad about the way she keeps almost getting Paige butchered every time they leave the house, so she has prepared a full picnic lunch for the two of them to share in the school courtyard. There’s even this little specialized condiment umbrella. “I prepared you a lesbian feast,” Emily says. “Kale salad and gluten-free fairtrade cookies in shape of Chuck Taylors.” Paige tilts her head to the side like a puppy just trying to understand a language she’s just learning to hear, then sighs like she wishes she had a time machine so she could go back and wrap up her 12-year-old self in the It Gets Better-est hug the world has ever known.

Emily makes it ever so slightly more queer by asking if Paige has decided to see a therapist. Paige is like, “Someone to talk to who can truly understand my anxiety and help me create a plan of action to vanquish my fears once and for all? Yeah, I found someone.”

Hannah interrupts with a plea for girl talk — “Not girl-on-girl talk; just girl talk” — and even though Emily tries to shoo her away with meaningful looks, she will not be deterred. Since Aria is in the process of being poisoned to death and Spencer is in the process of having her heart shattered and Hanna has that job interview in Philly, she needs someone to tail Caleb and make sure he doesn’t do anything to make Mona angrier than she is about the fact that he exists and gets to second base with Hanna on the regular. She’s like, “Please, Emily, I need this.” And Emily goes, “Well, I need to feel the weight of an adorably neurotic, slightly socially awkward, coconut-loving bicycle mechanic on top of me, Hanna. So, you’ll just have to wait.” Hanna makes that face that she makes and Emily caves. It’s unfortunate. It’s understandable.

Aria awakes to the familiar sound of someone ransacking her house looking for clues. She rubs at her eyes, says, “Meredith? Is that you? What are you looking for? How come there’s an axe strapped to your back? Where’s my phone? Why am I in a straight jacket? What’s this lump on my head? Why are you wearing a Briarcliff Mental Institution lacrosse team t-shirt? Why does the inside of my mouth taste like sleeping potion?” Meredith strokes her face and tells her to go upstairs and stop asking questions. Aria is like, “Oh, OK. Thanks for stopping by to check on me.”

At school, Mer tells Ella that she looked in on Aria and she’s doing as well as can be expected for a tiny, tiny girl who is being force-fed a full liter of Imbecile Elixir every four hours. Ella trusts Meredith about as far as she could throw a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA, so she calls Aria’s cell phone right away, and — surprise! — Meredith already pocketed and silenced that bitch.

After school, Emily sleuths in the cutest way possible, bobbing and weaving and ducking and diving in her driver’s seat like anyone would think it’s weird she’s sitting in her car in the school parking lot. Mona walks outside, stops, clicks through several personalities before landing on “mathlete,” and joins a group of model students at a picnic table to do some homework. Caleb finally leaves school in his mom’s Mercedes and Emily follows behind at a safe distance.

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