“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.15: A Walk in the Woods

Toby tries to help Spencer relax by sizing up the way his hands fit around her throat giving her a massage, but he should know by now that touching Spencer when she is ten cups of coffee into a twenty-cup night is like poking a rattlesnake in the belly. After he jerks his hand back to safety, she lists off the 15 countries that were created after the USSR dissolved, alphabetically obviously. Toby offers to blow off dinner with his boss, who really only needs him was to bury some shit in the dirt and slash some tires anyway, but Spencer says they should go do their own stuff and meet back here later for one of her patented Hastings’ “I only give handjobs to trustworthy people” handjobs.

OK, so Lucas has a bedroom that looks remarkably similar to every room in my house, as pointed out by an alarming number of you guys on Twitter last night. Just, like, vintage action figures and superhero posters and really expensive collecter’s items that I would have to write ten billion TV recaps to be able to afford and trading cards and graphic novels. It’s truly a testament to Hanna’s complete lack of nerd-cred that she doesn’t even gasp for air when she enters Lucas’ heroic domain. Or, I don’t know, maybe she’s just not impressed because it was Caleb’s money that financed all of this? Anyway, she asks him to tell her more things about Mona, and he lets more stuff slip than ever before: He got tangled up with her at the masquerade ball, did some deliveries between her and Jason DiLaurentis (my own personal prime suspect for Garrett’s murder at the very least at this point) when she was at Radley, distracted some blind girls, just run-of-the-mill minion stuff you do for sociopaths when you don’t want them to rat you out for stealing/selling test scores.

Lucas says he’s gonna do home school now so he’ll be safe, proving he didn’t learn a damn thing about Mona’s capacity for adrenalized hyperrealistic homicide when he was serving her.

Aria hears the scraping sound of a dead body being dragged across the floor of her house, but assumes it’s just Mike schlepping home with his haul for the night. Then she hears shouting and remembers that Mike is both mute and invisible now, so probably she should check it out. In the hallway, Byron is manhandling Meredith’s arm that was charred in the school explosion and finally it clicks for Aria that her own father is going to murder her. She backs slowly into her room and chats Ezra:

FashionJunkie666: Hey, babe. Listen, I was thinking. What if my dad is Dan and I’m Olivia. You know, from Night Must Fall.
BabySquirrelNuts: Can’t talk now, babe. Blogging.
FashionJunkie666: Cool, well. Check the hat box when you can’t find me.

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