“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.14: Pinky and the Brain

At Ezbian’s Lesbian Emporium, Ezra presents Aria with a lucky necklace to wear while she’s running this Rosewood charity race. It seems like a throwaway thing, but it kind of made me wonder: what if Ezra’s lucky necklace is actually like a moon amulet or something and the reason nothing bad ever happens to him is because he is in possession of actual protective magic? I mean, you remember the 3A finale, right? Toby revealing himself as A, Caleb getting shot in the gut with his own gun, Paige getting kidnapped and bound and gagged and very nearly knifed to death, and meanwhile, Ezra was at his house playing Connect Four with his little old lady neighbor and eating homemade cake and wearing a hoodie and a milk mustache.

And I do believe part of it is that Ezra looks like Ian Harding who looks like what would happen if, while God’s elves were just cranking out normal looking humans in the people factory, God himself gathered together some rare ingredients he’d been saving for a special day and sat down in his workroom in front of the fireplace and had a delicious mug of warm cocoa and decided to stitch together a person by hand, like he does with baby polar bears and baby giraffes and baby elephants and baby deer and whatever it is that’s inside the soul of a Golden Retriever. Life is different when God made your face with his own hands, but also, maybe Ezra really does have a protective spell on him. Maybe it’ll be broken because he gave Aria the amulet. Maybe someone should steal that amulet and wrap it around Paige’s whole entire body.

Well, so anyway, Ezra gives Aria the necklace, and in return, Aria bails because she doesn’t have the guts to tell him he’s got a kid. Also, Hanna texts to let her know about Mona’s latest minion. Out in the hallway, A has planted a gift basket with a balloon that says, “It’s A boy!” with the A all flashy and red. Rather than scooping that thing up and getting the hell out of there, Aria takes about thirty minutes to read the gift card.

Aria zooms over to Rear Window Brew to talk about Mona’s janitor with Emily and Hanna, but mostly to talk about Ezra’s full-grown child. Hanna puts a weird twist on her guilt trip that Emily and Spencer couldn’t manage. She looks across the room at Caleb and says, “I get that you’re scared, Aria, and every day that goes by is another day you’re destroying, perhaps forever, the trust you share with Ezra. But more importantly, that little lesbian child is going to grow up and live in the ventilation system of his school library and eat mice for snacks and say “hot spot” over and over again like it’s a real thing. That’s the actual reason you have to come clean. For the hobos.”

Oh, and also, Caleb found the “transcript” of Mona’s “parents” meeting with the school “administrators,” and unlike the sad sack story she told Hanna about how they were forcing her to come back, the truth is that she begged to get back up in Rosewood High School’s shit.

Spencer and Toby race along the road to her house. It’s been a long time since we saw them together here. Like probably the last time was when he was trying to make her feel shitty by giving her that rocking chair he whittled for her. They giggle about how unbelievably sexy they are when they’re all sweaty like this. Toby takes of his shirt, which: impressive, and nice try, but nothing — and I mean nothing in all this life — beats Spencer in a t-shirt and messy ponytail. Looking at her looking like that, listening to her voice do what it does, it’s practically obscene. (In a good way.) Jason is moving back into his house for the seven millionth time, I guess, so Spencer runs over to welcome him home and also to give him some brotherly advice about staying the away from Mona. Jason goes, “I believe in second chances.” And Spencer is like, “I unequivocally do not.” Jason winks at Toby, kind of.

Toby fires up the hot tub because maybe if he and Spencer are doing it she will shut up about A for like ten goddamn minutes, but that is incorrect. Fully clothed or scantily clad, Spencer Hastings will not be denied a chance to brood. Toby tries to get her to do some sexes. Five times he tries. But she hears someone creeping around in the bushes and runs inside.

Aria is stroking Ezra’s moon amulet alone in her room when Byron interrupts her reverie to thank her for not being a total dick to the woman with whom he cheated and destroyed their family and also whose side he takes over Aria’s at every possible opportunity. He says it was the “grown-up” thing to do, like he knows a single thing about acting like a grown-up, and Aria smiles wanly and blurts out a half-question/half-accusation about his relationship with Alison. He’s like, “You want to get stuffed back in a crate and tossed from a train? Huh? Is that what you want? Because I’ll do it, you asshole. Keep asking questions.”

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