“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.12) — Sleeping with the Enemy

 
 

Emily says she’s not feeling well, that she’s going to take a walk and get some fresh air and see if maybe she can find a therapist buried in the back yard to talk to about her feelings. Nate’s like, “OK, cool, but wear your jacket. I want your organs to be warm when I harvest them in a minute.”

The Liars decide Paige and Mona aren’t coming, after all, that Paige sent them to Ali’s grave so she could … have Emily all to herself? At a cabin with Nate? Caleb takes off for the lighthouse in Belmar and the Liars take off for the lighthouse in Berksomething and did we even know Rosewood is situated near a body of water?

Nate follows Emily outside, jumps out from behind a tree, all, “BOOO!” and when she says he scared he half to death, he’s like, “Not yet, precious.”

He drags her inside and forces her to watch a video of Maya explaining that she’s been hiding in Noel’s cabin, but that she’s coming home and she knows she can make it through whatever lies ahead as long as Emily is by her side. The whole time, Nate is stabbing the table with a knife and grinning. When the video is over, Emily is like, “What are you doing with this thing?” He’s like, “I killed her, dummy. Don’t you ever read AfterEllen.com?” He monologues like a pro about how Emily took Maya, but then, irony of ironies, she gave Maya back a little bit with herself, but there’s still a price to pay for her thievery and that price is someone she loves. And then this motherfucker opens up the closet door and pulls out Paige McCullers, bound and gagged. I thought, when I saw it, I’d never stop typing in CAPS LOCK for as long as I lived. Even on a show where one lesbian dies every other episode, that’s the real-est shit has ever gotten.

While all of this world-class villainy is going down, the Liars are headed to one lighthouse and Caleb is headed to another lighthouse and Ezra is at home eating bundt cake and watching Loony Toons reruns on Boomerang.

Apparently Emily anticipated that a thing like this would probably happen to her at least once in her life because she knows exactly how to talk to a terrorist. She learns his real name — Lyndon James — and uses it to calmly offer him various exit strategies. But he’s consumed with bloodlust, so Emily grabs her phone and makes a break for it, leaving Paige duct taped to the couch. (I’ma take a second to give some serious props to Lindsey Shaw for conveying a dozen emotions with only her eyeballs while her face was taped shut. Fear for Emily and fear for herself and pleading for Emily to know she loves her and is sorry she managed to Paige-up another thing. I’ve never wanted to jump through the TV and rescue someone so badly in all my life.) Anyway, so Emily just fully abandons her there and runs to the very top of a lighthouse and calls 911, but Lyndon James arrives before she can state the nature of her emergency.

The first time I interviewed Shay Mitchell, she said her dream was to be an action star, and she killed this scene, man. Emily scuffles and rumbles and tumbles with Nate. They throw punches. They slam into things. Finally they smash into each other and Emily stabs him in the chest. Caleb shows up with his gun, like, “I should have known. Ladies are their own knights in shining armor on this show. But how about a post-murder hug?” He plops down his gun and wraps his arms around Emily and KAPOW!

Sigh. So cliche. Lesbian character struggles with her sexuality, comes out of the closet, gets a girlfriend, girlfriend dies, dead girlfriend’s stalker comes to town claiming to be dead girlfriend’s cousin, lesbian bonds with dead girlfriend’s faux cousin, lesbian falls in love with another lesbian, lesbian mistakes dead girlfriend’s faux cousin for dead girlfriend, lesbian kisses dead girlfriend’s faux cousin, lesbian’s friends accuse new lesbian of killing old lesbian, faux cousin confesses to killing old lesbian, lesbian stabs faux cousin to death with a knife. Same old “lesbian goes straight” story, different day, am I right? 

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