“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.12) — Sleeping with the Enemy

I know I clown on this show for never putting Ezra through the ringer, but will you just get a load of this guy standing here in his hoodie holding a bundt cake and having that face? How could you do anything to hurt his feelings? What kind of monster would you be if you put him in danger?

Hanna is taking a shower because it’s always polite to be clean and well-dressed when you meet a couple of lunatics at an empty grave. Caleb take the opportunity to pack a handgun into his sleuthing backpack, but before he gets it situated, Hanna catches him and shouts him down. She’s like, “I can’t say I paid much attention when Mr. Fitz was droning on and on and on about Chekov, but I’m pretty sure there’s a rule that says you’re gonna get shot right in the face if you don’t toss that that gun down the garbage disposal like now.” He hides it in her underwear drawer instead. And then when she turns her back, he packs it.

Mona has traded her nurse uniform for a black hoodie. She smiles at herself in the mirror until her phone rings. She answers it with, “I’m here.” Then breathes real deep for like three minutes and goes, “I understand.”

Spencer and Toby finally do the sex which results in bed head, bare legs, and me doing that thing I used to do in season one where I frantically Google “Troian Bellisario” every ten seconds to make sure she was born in 1985 and not 1995. It’s fine. It’s cool. My mouth is too try to swallow right now, but it’s OK. It’s ’85.

I think. Like. Didn’t Spencer … do something? Something … mean to my favorite character earlier? I can’t really remember. Was I mad at her? Nah, surely not. Anyway, Toby says he loves her and then bounces to go do who knows what in Bucks County.

Meanwhile, new “A” has recreated Mona’s lair. The clown masks, the Bratz dolls, the collages of Ali on the wall: It’s all there. New “A” rocks in a rocking chair in a black hoodie and Mona goes, “Change of plans, bitch” because that’s just how she talks in the Monacave. Bitch this and bitch that. Fetch me my slippers, bitch. Where is my solitaire deck, bitch. 

The Liars assemble in Rosewood Cemetery. Caleb mans the battle station at the front gate, and the Liars lie in wait. And wait and wait and wait. Hanna’s like, “I mean, it’s like Mona to make a grand entrance, but where the hell is Paige?” They get the feeling that something’s not right with this midnight meeting at their dead best friend’s empty grave, the dirt of which is still dug up. Hanna calls Nate to check on Emily …

… who is sleeping soundly under the blanket Nate covered her up with when she dozed off at the lighthouse cabin. An old rotary phone rings and I guess Mona got her hands on a new vocal modulator because this devil voice goes, “YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! STARTING NOW!” So she hops up and starts rifling through Nate’s bag, which is Rule Number One in the Lying Liars Handbook of Weird Shit Happening. Just, like, start searching for clues. She finds the note Nate said he’d send to Maya’s parents on her behalf back in episode 302. And when Nate returns from collecting firewood, she recognizes his paint-stained hiking boots. Yes, those same paint-stained hiking boots showed up in a photo with Maya from Tru North. The music goes, “CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?!?!?” And every lesbian on this earth is like, “GIRL, WE TOLD YOU!”

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