“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.12) — Sleeping with the Enemy

The Liars retire to Hanna’s, which is probably the safest place for them now that the kitchen has been converted into a fully functioning operating room. Spencer rails about Paige some more, calling her one of Ali’s monsters; Hanna worries aloud about how Emily is going to handle losing another girlfriend to some insane shit; and Aria doodles “Aria + Ezra + Seven Year Old = 4 Ever(?)” on a notepad. Spencer gets a couple of A-mails in quick succession: One is a photo of Aria and Hanna burying a shovel with another shovel, telling them to bring Maya’s bag to Ali’s grave at 10:00 p.m., and one is a photo of Ali’s body bag promising to frame them for the grave robbery for sure if they tell Emily.

The Liars hear someone rooting around downstairs, so they Scooby to the corner and then duck back into Hanna’s room, hoping to fend off a known murderer with a lamp. Luckily, it is Caleb so no one has to take a light bulb to the cranium. He’s fully on their black ops team now. He was staking out Emily’s, but when Spencer tells him about the emails “from Paige and Mona,” he says he’s going to accompany them to Ali’s grave.

Hanna and Spencer pop down to Rear Window Brew so Spencer can enjoy her three hundredth cup of coffee for the day and Hanna can borrow one of the barista’s phones to call Emily. She’s like, “Hey, Emsy, listen, I know it seems like we cornered you and forced you to choose between us and Paige, but we just don’t want to see you get killed again.” Emily says she’s skipping town with Nate because he’s the only person who’s really there for her right now, and even though Hanna saw Nate menace Jenna so hard she left for Out Of Town in a taxi filled with luggage, she thinks it’s a really smart idea.

Pam Fields, however, is unimpressed. She’s like, “I’ve been thinking … you know how your first girlfriend was murdered late at night in the woods by a guy she thought she knew and your second girlfriend was murdered late at night in the woods by a guy she thought she knew? Do you really think it’s a good idea for you to be trotting off into the night into the woods with a guy you think you know?” Emily’s like, “Yes. And besides, there won’t be any cell phone service and I’ve never seen Nate punch a former blind girl in the face.”

Spencer strolls along the square, stops to examine a promo poster for the Halloween episode, and spots the reflection of some anime hair in the shop window. It is Toby Cavenaugh, back from his job as a teenage carpenter in Bucks County, and the camera wants you to know that Spencer is dizzy with relief at just the sight of him, so it spins and spins and spins and she’s like, “I’m so glad you’re back, you trustworthy son of a bitch! We cannot stop talking about how trustworthy you are! Emily literally called you the Dali Lama a couple of episodes ago! Get in here with your trustworthiness, you truth-telling honesty-seeker!” She kisses him and pokes his chin with her finger. For real. She’s pokes it and smiles, like, “This old thing!”

Ezra Fitzgerald is writing the next Great American Novel, or maybe an essay called Breakfast in Black and White: My Love Affair with Hepburn Women. Aria decides it’s about time to tell him he has a second-grader for a son, but when she says, “Ezra…” he just blurts out, “Love you, babe.” Which is real life writerspeak for, “Hush, please, darling.” There’s a knock at the door and it is Maggie and Ezra is like, “Maggie!” And Maggie is like, “Amy?” And Ezra is like, “Aria.” And Aria is like, “Ezra, there’s a thing I need to tell you right this second it can’t wait any longer the time is now.” But Maggie cuts her off with, “Nice to meet you for the very first time, Aria.”

If ever you find yourself in a room with the girl your mother dropped into a pit in the desert after you impregnated her and the girl your mother threatened to drop into a pit in the desert after she cost you your job, you will be glad that you kept all those feelings journals. Ezra’s face is positively delighted to find himself in such a situation, and when his next-door-neighbor shows up with a bundt cake, he’s simply bamboozled by his great good fortune. While he’s thanking Ms. Rosenthal for the cake, Aria and Maggie try to see who can make their eyeballs the biggest. Aria is like, “Boom! Barn owl!” And Maggie goes, “Double boom! Baby chipmunk!” And Aria fires back with “That lemur from Madagascar!” And Maggie is like, “That cat from Shrek!” Their eye-off ends in a truce. They’ll wait to tell Ezra he’s a father.

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