“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.12) — Sleeping with the Enemy


I’m serious. I need a minute.

OK, where were we? Hogwarts? So, Moaning Myrtle floats by crying about how even even though all the students in the castle are being terrorized by Death Eaters and Dementors, the hardest thing of all is just being Moaning Myrtle.

Kidding again. That was Aria.

Paige and Emily snuggle up in that window seat in her room where Paige came out and they kissed their first real kiss and Emily figures she can be just as heroic with the truth. She tells Paige about the new “A,” about the grave-robbing photos, about how Spencer can’t go a day without putting a suspect in her crosshairs, and today her sniper rifle is trained on Paige. Paige goes, “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect you.” And Emily touches her face gently because she knows it’s true. But also, how many times does she have to say, “Even though I am the sweetest, most trusting person on this show, I’m not the one in danger. It’s the people I kiss who always end up dead.” Paige gets a text from “A,” telling her to meet up at Ali’s grave, so she’s like, “Listen, Em, I won’t leave your side for a single second — after I leave your side for the next 48 hours.” Emily kisses her and says it’s cool, she’s sure she can find someone to take her to a secluded cabin in the woods and chop her into pieces while her best friends and girlfriend get up to their usual cryptic hijinks.

At school, Spencer’s paranoia has infected Aria and Hanna, as usual. Hanna’s like, “Bad news, girls, Paige wasn’t in Spanish.” And Spencer goes, “That bitch!” Spencer’s first idea is to go to the police … with an earring they can’t prove was inside Ali’s coffin and can’t prove was inside Paige’s bag, and the memory of someone else’s memory of one time when one dead girl forged a lesbian love letter and got herself bruised up in soccer practice. Even Rosewood’s district attorney would have a hard time taking that shit to trial. Hanna’s not really feeling the police thing, though, because of how she’s now convinced that Paige covertly collected a sample of her blood and smeared it onto an anklet that she sold to an antique store. Which, at this point, how many of Ali’s possessions aren’t tarnished with the DNA of every person in Rosewood? Anyway, they decide to call their parents and tell them the whole deal, but they get a text from “A” telling them to stand down for a minute.

Radley Asylum. Mona Vanderthunder dons a nurse uniform like from some Hemingway novel, lace socks, white cap, the whole thing. She flashes a badge at the security guy and just waltzes right out the door to the tune of The Hawk In Paris’ “Freaks,” which is a song so perfect for her, it should play every time she enters a room like “Hail to the Chief” plays for the president: We’ve got a plan, we’ve got a means for your liberation / You’ll only have to blur the lines on a few occasions / We’ll make you swoon, make you hurt just a little / We’re the boys and the girls and the freaks in the middle. She smirks her best smirk because she’s probably been wandering the streets at her leisure this whole time.

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