“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.11) — Downton Grabby


Aria has tracked down Maggie in Somewhere Urban, Pennsylvania. Let me repeat myself: Aria Montgomery, the world’s worst detective save Spencer Hastings and Inspector Gadget, has, in the course of three hours, located and traveled to the classroom of the woman who conceived a Fitzgerald in her womb as a teenager and went into hiding as part of her prenatal buyout. Aria Montgomery did that. OK, so when Ezra says he “looked” “everywhere” for her, I’m thinking he opened his window and hollered “Maggie?” into the night, just once, and when she didn’t respond, he gave up looking. Anyway, Aria is posing as an undergrad, and she has many academic questions, such as: “In terms of getting laid, what’s it like teaching in a small town?” And: “How hard is it to govern that Ezra-shaped child over there in the corner?” Maggie laughs: “Oh, that little lesbian guy? He’s all right. He’s my son. I conceived him the summer before college.” Aria’s face goes:

Ooh, boy. Get ready to test your Gryffindor allegiances. Spencer has been tracking Emily’s movements with a homing device she had implanted at the base of her skull after that debacle with the barn and the carbon monoxide. On her FieldsFinder, she spotted Emily on the town square and then watched her little dot bleep-bleep-bleep along until she was back at school. Spencer tries to play it cool, like they’re just two best friends meeting up in the hallway after class, just like, “Hey, you. How was your day? How was that calc text? Cavalieri’s Principle, am I right? Listen, did Paige ever mention that she may have, on occasion — how do I put this delicately — beaten the shit out of Ali?” Emily’s face, her posture, her whole body, goes dead still. Without even turning around, she’s like, “Let me guess. CeCe Drake.” Spencer goes, “I know, but just listen. CeCe told me —” And Emily is llivid. I don’t ever think we’ve seen her so mad. She’s wheels around like, “CeCe told you, huh? CeCe told you like Alison used to tell you and now we’re going to beat the crap out of each other, which, may I remind you, is the main thing Ali got off on, Spencer. We were dogs in her dog fighting ring, and I’m not ever, ever doing that shit again.” Spencer invokes Paige’s drowning attempts of yore, calls her a snake, and Emily goes, “Get back to me when you’ve been trained your whole life to hate yourself for the way you were born. Let me know how it does your head in to hear your own family call you unnatural because of the person you love. Then we can talk about fucking CeCe Drake.” And she just storms right the hell out of there.

Jenna’s outside eating cherries in that way she has, like maybe she wants to make out with you or maybe she wants to choke you to death with her bare hands, and the only way to find out is to spin that Russian roulette wheel and reach for a piece of fruit. Hanna screws her courage to the sticking place and blurts out in one breath, “Hey Jenna those videos of you boning Toby are probably on YouTube by now but it’s not our fault because we didn’t know the church only gets cleaned once every two years and anyway we were so distracted that night by Spencer almost getting hanged in the belfry that we forgot to bury that evidence in her backyard and I know we promised and you have a gun but it’s not our fault and not killing us would be a really nice gesture OK.” Girl drops her sunglasses back over her eyes for the first time since coming out as a sighted person and it’s like the real-est shit has ever gotten with her. Well, except for when she used to sit on the porch and play the flute.

Nate is running through the school yard looking for Emily or a friend of Emily or any young girl, really, who would like to be stalked and killed. Hanna Marin looks like such a girl, so he sprints over to her and asks if she can help him get back on track with her best friend. Hanna literally goes, “DUDE. SHE IS GAY. SHE DATED YOUR COUSIN. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. EVEN BY ROSEWOOD’S STANDARDS, YOU ARE A CREEPER.” They glare at each other for a minute, but then Jenna walks by, so they glare at her together instead. Nate’s like, “Sometimes she looks right through me like I’m not the guy who asked her on a date and tried to give her a scented candle in the most aggressive possible way.” Hanna’s like, “Yeah, sometimes it’s like she’s still pretending to be blind.” And so Nate flips out and starts shouting, “Jenna, girl! I know you saw me [do some dastardly thing that will only be revealed in the finale when Paige saves Emily from my evil clutches]!” Jenna sneers at him and feels around in her purse for her pistol.

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