“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.11) — Downton Grabby

Apparently Spencer volunteered to help CeCe’s boutique host a trunk show, but she forgot her promise because of how she spends all her time fending off murderers. CeCe scoffs. “Ali held off murderers with one hand while learning to fly a plane with the other hand. Grow up, Hastings.” Spencer is spared more derision when CeCe spots Emily and Paige wheeling her bike toward the school. (I cannot even express how much I love that the writers kept Paige’s bike around after that time she pedaled off into the lightning in the middle of the night with her internalized homophobia and her bangs.) CeCe goes, “Sup with Emily and Pigskin, yo?” CeCe sends all of the Liars to their Ali place at least a little bit, but for some reason, Spencer has zero immunity to it. She slips into her role as easily as if real Ali had never really died. She laughs at the “Pigskin” thing without even understanding why, really, just knowing it’s going to be mean as hell and that she’ll be on the inside of the joke instead of the outside of the joke. CeCe says Ali and Pigskin were mortal enemies, and of course Spencer flashes back.

Spencer was trying on a top that Ali wanted, so Ali insulted Spencer’s boobs and took it for herself. While she was changing into it, Hefty Hanna — who was, amazingly, sitting on the bed eating popcorn, swaying back and forth — wondered aloud why Ali’s shoulder looked like it had been walloped with a shovel. Ali rolled her eyes: “If it was a shovel, somebody would be in jail, idiot. Pigskin kicked me during soccer practice, is all. But she’s next on my beat-down list, so it’s fine.” The girls giggled about “Pigskin” because it was one of the most horrible nicknames they’d ever heard of, worse even than if someone started calling one of them “Americano.” Ali explained that Paige got the name because she had bumps on her thighs that she tried to pass off as eczema, but Ali told her they were really from “poking herself below the equator.”

Which: That is some serious Chuck Bass ridiculousness right there. Like how he’s always going, “She’s a synchronized swimmer. She can hold her breath for five minutes.” Like, vague smarm that doesn’t even make sense. Anyway, whatever. Ali has always been a dick, but even for her, this is gross. (Oh, but she’s gonna get gross-er.)

Paige does not have adrenalized hyperreality, so she is unable to escape during Spencer’s flashback. Instead, when Spencer comes out of her trance, they just stare at each other across the crowded lawn for a while. Paige gives her a tentative little wave, like, “Heeeey, Emily’s friend who almost got me kicked off the swim team. You look like you want to murder me.” Spencer is like, “Oh my God, she just thought the word murder.” And just like that, Spencer has forgotten that Garrett Reynolds exists.

In the computer lab, Caleb and Hanna Gchat about how her mom found the thumb drive and should they do some pickpocketing, or …? Caleb says the Hobo Code prevents him from stealing except in the case of starvation or various Robin Hood endeavors. They stare at each other cutely over their monitors, but then Jenna clomps over and tells Hanna to get lost, that she’s got to order some synthetic socket lube for her new eyeballs and she needs the internet.

Emily is just cruising around town on Paige’s bike, looking hotter than she ever has done. She rides up beside Nate and goes, “Hey, I’m riding my girlfriend’s bike, it’s my girlfriend’s, my girlfriend let me borrow it.” Nate wraps his arm around her shoulders and starts talking about how he’d really like it if they could go some place secluded later tonight, and does she know of anywhere far enough away from Rosewood that the sound of a chainsaw and a screaming girl won’t cause alarm. Emily tries to explain that she mislead him with her kiss, that it was actually about reaching for Maya and not for him, and of all the serial killer shit he’s pulled so far, this one is the serial-er killer-est. He just explodes in a rage: “You and Maya are just the same! You cocktease me! She cockteased … uh, like 20 dudes … on the phone, erm, in my car, and I … um … overheard it! Damn you both with your mixed signals and lesbianism! Damn you to infinity!” Emily’s like, “OK, well bye, weirdo.” And off she pedals.

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