“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.10) — Crushed scones, bruised hearts

Back at Kahn Kabin, Hanna discovers a room hidden behind a door behind a bookcase. It’s like … an exposed single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, a mattress, some dirty bedclothes. Obviously some hobo has been squatting there. Hanna sighs, says, “Caleb …” But no! It wasn’t Caleb! It wasn’t Caleb at all! It was Maya! They find Maya’s bag and tear that thing apart: a handmade card Emily gave Ali for her 14th birthday (creepy!), a knife with the initials “L.J.” carved into it (creepy!), the bus ticket she bought to San Francisco, but never got to use (Jeeeeeesus!). And just when you think it can’t get any fucking scarier, the window shutters slam shut and the door slams shut, one-by-one Just Kablam! Kablam! Kablam! Kablam! Emily is like, “And of course.” While Hanna politely enquires into the darkness, “Hello? Can we help you with something? We were just searching through our dead homeless friend’s possessions.” 

Spencer is just staring at a photo of Maya on her iPad. It’s amazing how much attention these Liars are paying to Maya postmortem. I’m not even sure they could have picked her out of a police lineup when she was alive. Her computer bleeps a new message. It’s an email from Noel Kahn talking about, “Stay out of my locker! Email me back with a picture of you looking at evidence in your underwear! It’s for a friend!” Attached is a video, and the video is from the security camera at Kahn Kabin, and the video is of the night Maya was murdered.

During the middle of this bedlam, Aria and Ella wander hand in hand in the town square and giggle about how their boyfriends are the cutest. Love you, ladies, but I gots no time for this right now. Hanna and Emily are trapped in Noel Kahn’s — and/or CeCe Drake’s — murder room!

OK, so Hanna and Emily scream for a while, until Emily calculates that even their practiced hollering for help isn’t going to span the distance of two miles. When they hear a car drive away, Emily smashes one of the windows, which results in Hanna getting GLASS IN HER LEG, which results in Emily just Hulking the fuck right out. She rips the sleeve off of her shirt and bandages Hanna’s leg while wailing on the broken window with a baseball bat. She has had it. Emily Fields has had it. Once she breaks through the wall, she throws Maya’s hobo possessions over one shoulder and Hanna over the other shoulder and carries them to safety.

You guys. Maya was living in a murder room. A murder room. Like, at night, by the light of that single exposed bulb, she was making signs for Emily’s swim meets. Riding into town on her bike to buy milk and bread and glitter. This is where she crafted the decorations for her Under the Sea sex with Emily. IN THE MURDER ROOM. And then at night, she’d just will herself to sleep clutching a pocket knife. God, that is the saddest thing I have ever heard. Maya! 

Oh, and also: “A” spray painted the side of the building to let the Liars know she’s coming back for them.

Emily runs all the way back to Rosewood with Hanna on her back like a spider monkey. When they get there, she calls Wren to come patch her up, because Hanna and Caleb are still pretending to be broken up and the hospital is too dangerous because surely Detective Snape’s got guard dogs staked out at that place, knowing its only a matter of time before one of the teenage girls in this town shows up looking for stitches or a cast or a new set of eyeballs. Hanna can’t roll up to the hospital spilling her blood all over the place when Snape wants like two gallons of it for some kind of pagan ritual. So, yeah, they call Wren.

Any other show, you’d be like, “What in the world.” But this show, you’re like, “Correct decision. Nice one, Han.”

So, Wren stitches her up, right there on the kitchen counter, and makes her a meatball omelet and propositions her, again, for intercourse.

Emily comes home to find Nate lurking on her porch. He’s feeling guilty about how he screamed at Jenna earlier for not accepting his first date gift for the first date they never went on. He claims to never have behaved in such a stalkerish way before — besides earlier this year when he killed Maya, and now when he’s hanging out in the shadows on Emily’s porch in the middle of the night — and would she please forgive him. Emily’s like, “Sure, whatever. I just escaped from being trapped in an abandoned building again, and inside I found a bunch of shit that used to belong to a dead girlfriend again, and glass nearly killed me again, and — oh, whatever. Here’s some of Maya’s stuff.

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