“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.10) — Crushed scones, bruised hearts

Aria is packing it in for the day when Ella drops by her locker for some girltalk. Aria wants to know how serious it is with Zach, but Ella’s not feeling the monogamy thing right now. She’s got a William, a Brad, a Jason, a Neil, a Jordan, three Johns, and a Bruce lined up just outside waiting for a chance to woo her. She also hints that while she’s into Zach, for real, he’s probably not into her like that, so she’s just going to play it cool, like the opposite of an Aria. But Aria’s really sweet, she’s like, “You’ve seen you, right? Get in there, girl.”

Paige flops down outside of Rear Window Brew and laments the fact that Rosewood High is making her take trigonometry instead of wood shop. At James K. Polk Middle School, she was an outstanding wood shop student (and a science one too), but math just is not her thing. A recent C pulled down her GPA to below a B and now Coachprah won’t let her swim in the county meet. Emily suggests that making out and a re-re-re-watch of Rudy are just the things she needs to take her mind off of school and swimming, and to prove her point she kisses Paige about thirty times. They agree to meet at 8:00 at Emily’s. Emily will bring the swerve, Paige will bring the Chinese food.

Spencer breaks into the boys’ locker room to go through Noel’s shit, but she moves around the place like it’s Jenna’s snow globe factory, too afraid to touch anything, tiptoeing around, pointing at random lockers, mumbling under her breath. Of course she’s got a lockpick in her pocket, and when she finds Noel Kahn’s locker, she just pops that thing right open. Her investigation is interrupted by many athletes running in and undressing. She hides — OK, what I mean when I say “hides” is that kind of freezes and squeezes her eyes shut and looks the other direction. This is not the first time we’ve seen Spencer try to disappear like when your cat sticks its head under the bed but leaves it’s whole body in the middle of the room, operating under the assumption that if it  can’t see you, you can’t see it. She’s managed to get her hands on Noel’s cellphone, but a quick search for “Maya” in his email contacts yields zero results. He catches her, of course, wearing a football uniform, pads and everything, but she scurries away before he can figure out what the actual hell is happening.

Emily and Hanna drive up to Kahn Kabin to look for DNA evidence of Maya’s abduction. In their fine-tooth combing of the scene, they do not notice the giant video camera filming their every move. But I guess they can be forgiven because they’re swimming in beer cans and stale nacho chips. Emily is so grossed out, she goes, “There is no effing way Maya wanted to meet me here, OK? We had our own cabin with floating paper boats and purified elements. This place is a literal dump.”

At the Brew, Ezra goads Aria into talking to her mom’s new boyfriend. He’s cute, really cute, cute in that way where he probably leads river trips for at risk youth and so he’s got a practiced breeziness to his insight. Basically, he tells Aria he’s a child of divorce too, but that he’s fully aware that Ella is as rare as a magical unicorn and he’s already all in. I mean, when you’re able to command the adorable energy in same room with Ezra Fitz, that’s saying something. And Zach does it. Aria is like, “OK, you’re neater than I thought, but I will crush your scones — literally and figuratively; if you don’t believe me, ask my boyfriend over there about his breakfast this morning — if you hurt her.

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