“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.10) — Crushed scones, bruised hearts

Coffee shop Zach is having breakfast on the school grounds with his lady love, Ella Montgomery, who is practically perfect in every way in this episode, and not just because she and Aria have very nearly eclipsed Lorelai and Rory Gilmore in my esteem. He explains that he’s a cheese farmer and a tomato farmer in addition to being a small business owner and an all-around hot piece of ass. I can practically feel the heat radiating off of Ella just watching her watch him. Aria can feel it too, so she rushes in to make sure the classroom isn’t on fire and it takes her three full throat-clears to get their attention.

I don’t know if Lucy Hale and Holly Marie Combs are just picking up mannerisms and facial expressions from each other from hanging out, or if they’re doing this on purpose, but the way they have a full conversation with their wide eyes and head tilts is amazing. They’re delivering lines the same sometimes now, too. Ella kind of shoves Zach out the door and then shoos Aria out behind him, promising a conversation about how they’re dating men who are the same age, a little later this afternoon.

Hanna and Emily meet up after school so they can — good Lord, Hanna, what did you do? Oh, of course. She printed out every photo on Maya’s website page and is scouring them with a magnifying glass looking for clues. Emily is like, “I mean, you weren’t dating her too, right?” And Hanna goes, “No, and I don’t mean to imply that my commitment to this case is based on anything more than affection for you, but if we don’t solve this thing soon, I’m going to fuck Wren.” Emily picks up a couple of the photos — a pair of Maya in pajamas — and despite the fact that Maya is dead, Emily’s eyebrow cocks itself of its own volition, like dayuuum. They agree she was hot, but shelve the sentiment when they realize Maya took the photo at Noel Kahn’s cabin. You can tell by the way that there’s a sign in the background of the photos that says “Noel Kahn’s Cabin.”

They call Spencer so she can update her clue registry, and as soon as she’s logged the photos into her DiLaurentis Sims Matrix, she accosts Noel Kahn at his locker: “Well, and so Emily just found a photo of Maya in some lingerie just lounging around at your cabin in the middle of the day. What do you have to say about that?” His smile smiles and he explains that he was Maya’s weed dealer and that he gets his rocks off thinking about Spencer thinking about him murdering people. Actually, he and Jenna probably both do that. Their idea of dirty talk is like, “Mmm. Tell me how bad you want Spencer Hastings to find you with a loaded gun in your hand.” “Like a gun and a broken hockey stick. I can just see her face, and she’d be like, ‘Evidence! Evidence! Evidence!’” “Yeah, just like that. Just like that. Evidence.”

Out in the woods where they keep finding shovels, the Liars are running full-throttle away from exploding trees. A couple of teenage girls fall like cannon fodder, like it’s a Monday. Dead girls everywhere, and one of the Liars has a bow and arro— oh, wait a second. This is a commercial for The Hunger Games. Never mind. 

At Rear Window Brew, Nate leans across the coffee counter toward Emily and says Maya’s favorite band is coming to town and does she want to go. Emily is like, “The Gallifreyans? Sounds great. I hope they do ‘Forest of the Dead.’ Maya loved that one.” Nate’s mirth is crushed when he spots Jenna and Noel in the corner canoodling. He says that she’s looking through him like she’s still blind, which is weird, because did anyone ever tell him Jenna was blind? Anyway, he marches over there after Noel leaves and menaces her like a world-class nutter: “I have a present for you, a present I bought at a boutique the day we were supposed to go on our first date, but you blew me off and I did not give you the present, so you’d better tell me where to meet you tomorrow to give you your present or I am going tie that scented candle to your dead corpse and float it down the river!” Jenna gets in his face real good and tells him to check himself before she wrecks his wang. He storms out of the coffee shop. Man, Christmas at the St. Germain house seems like it would have been a real fun time. “SIT YOUR ASS DOWN IN THAT CHAIR AND ACCEPT THIS GODDAMN GIFT, NANA.”

Emily has the foresight to text Spencer to let her know Noel is on her way to practice if she wants to creep on him. She does.

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