“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.10) — Crushed scones, bruised hearts

 
 

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, the University of Pennsylvania held an admissions party at Noel Kahn’s cabin in the woods where prospective students partook in games such as: Truth or Truth, and Pin the Murder on the Blind Girl. Emily spent a full day with Maya’s website page, crying over love’s thickening plot. Aria met Ezra’s brother, young Master Wesbian, who let slip in the most organic way that Ezra fathered a child who is probably toddling his way up and down the eastern seaboard, reciting Keats and buying vests and being goddamn adorable.

Ashley and Hanna are redecorating their back porch. Or, well, Ashley is pushing against this potted oak tree that won’t budge while Hanna files her fingernails and practices her vocab. When Ashley steps inside for a Gatorade, Hanna discovers a note that has been placed under the plant by someone with apparent superhuman strength.

Hanna invites the other Liars over and Emily quickly discerns that the note was written by Maya. Clues: 1) It is written in Maya’s handwriting. 2) It is written on the back of a torn off piece of the Declaration of Independence, and who but a Time Lord would have access to such a thing? 3) It was penned frantically on the date of Maya’s death. Saith the letter:

Emily, I’m so sorry for everything. I know we’ve had a disconnect lately. I hope you give me a chance to explain. I have to show you something. Don’t call my cell. Someone stole it. Meet me at …

And wouldn’t you know it, the meeting place has been obscured by a rip or a tear or water damage or something. The Liars each find a way to shout accusations about how this letter proves Garrett’s guilt, and then Spencer Hastings (of all people!) goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s just slow down here and use our noggins. No need to make any rash accusations or rush out to any of this county’s ten thousand abandoned barns/antique shops.” They do use their noggins, but to no effect whatsoever. None of them crack the code on the meeting place.

Ezra’s Chipmunk Palace. Aria is buttering bagels with all the enthusiasm of a seasick crocodile. She absently hands one to Ezra — who sniffs it to check for poisons, just like Spencer taught him — and then muses: “How much money, exactly, could one expect to earn by jumping off the edge of the earth at your mother’s behest?” Ezra, hilariously: “Are we talking about …?” He leaves the end of the sentence hanging out there like maybe there’s a whole flock of girls out there that he impregnated and then sold to his mother. He’s not really feeling Aria’s outrage, what with “Pretty Little Liar” being a phrase that is actually printed on her birth certificate, so he skulks off to the shower while she toasts the shit out of some jalapeno bagels.

At the Rear Window Brew, Hanna is perusing Maya’s website page like a ghost porn addict. Emily says she’s cutting Hanna off after one more video, but she’s spared the trouble by Dr. Wren, who is working this week at nearby Dill Harris Veterinary Clinic. He sidles up to Hanna, smiles Britishly, says, “Hey, I was just wondering if you want to grab a cuppa later. Maybe head over to Radley to visit your insane friend. Then … shagging?” Hanna shoots him down, and he shows an alarming familiarity with the lives of local high school students. He name-checks both Toby and Caleb, attaching them to Spencer and Hanna, respectively, and then wanders off to see if maybe Emily will butter his muffin.

At school, Emily is reading and rereading Maya’s note for the billionth time. Like sniffing food for poison, this is another lesson in Spencering. Spencer wants to go back up to Emily and Maya’s makeout lake house, but Emily explains that she’s saving that place for that inevitable future moment when Nate murders her, and also, what are they looking for anyway? Scrap pieces of the United States Constitution with grocery lists scribbled on the back? Paige wanders up wearing the butchiest thing we’ve seen her in yet — honestly, this thing they’re doing with Paige with the feminine face/hair/head jewelry and the more masculine pants/shirts/body jewelry is … well, it makes my heart race, is what I am saying — and Spencer bolts without even a hello. Emily tucks away the note, because how many times can Paige find her casing Maya’s old stuff without getting some kind of complex, and asks what’s the what with her favorite swimmer-girl this morning.

What’s the what is that Coachprah has called a meeting with Paige, which she hopes this means she’s getting the anchor spot on the relay team. Emily’s like, “Duh, you’re the best besides me, and who even knows if I’m still on the team after that HGH scare from last season.” Paige touches her shoulder all sweetly and as soon as she has walked spitting distance away, Emily pulls out the letter again.

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