“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.09) — Space Ghost, Coast to Coast

Ashley Marin and Pastor Ted have sex at her house. That’s really all I can say about it because Pastor Ted is a good looking fellow, but he makes me think what it would be like to get involved with Rufus Humphry if Rufus was an ordained minister, which is the most insufferable sex I can possibly imagine, and anyway, you can’t dangle Ella/Ashley in front of me and then tell me you’re out of my favorite dessert. You know?

Wes came to pick up Aria from the party, did I mention that? He did and she’s ripping him a new one about how gross it is to be a one-percenter. He’s like, “Funny you should mention one percent. I’m one percent plus 99 percent sure Ezra knocked up some girl named Maggie and my mom paid her off in dollars and abortions.” Aria cannot believe Ezra and Paige have suddenly become the most interesting people on this show. She goes, “Drive faster!” And presses his leg into the gas pedal so he won’t have a choice.

Emily is still watching those videos of Maya. She’s talking about clocks again and about kissing Emily and then she goes, “If reincarnation is a thing, Emily was Cleopatra. She, too, suffered the burden of love’s thickening plot.” Paige chooses that moment to open the door and her jaw drops like a cartoon coyote. Emily tries to cover up her ghost porn, but it’s too late. Paige has seen it with her own eyes.

What Paige did not see was herself in the mirror. Or maybe she did. Maybe she stopped by Spencer’s earlier to try to make ammends and Spencer gave her some fashion advice: “What you want to do when you’re getting dressed is pretend you’re going to a place, any place, but especially a place that only exists in books, and then you choose an outfit for that place. Like, OK, what would you choose for the costume of Virgin Space Cowgirl?” And this is what she chose. 

They sit on Emily’s bed and Emily’s like, “I just found out about this website page today. I’ve been binging on it ever since. I know this complicates things with what with us training for a medal in synchronized swimming.” You can practically hear the gears clicking into place in Paige’s brain, her silent prayer that for once in her life she can get something right, this something, specifically, because one wrong word could drive Emily away forever. What she comes up with is foolproof: Naked old people. Naked old people is never not funny. (Trust me. One time I saw my grandpa-aged neighbor strolling down the street carrying a Dunkin’ Donuts box, just as naked as the day he was born. If I had to cheer up somebody whose girlfriends were always getting brutally murdered, that’s totally the story I would go with.)

Paige says she knows what it’s like to feel the ache of loss, and also that momentary respite when your mourning is flooded with new ways to remember. Because she recently saw a video of her grandpa before he died, and so she gets it. She cuddles Emily right up and kisses her head. She doesn’t promise it’ll get easier, that the pain will go away, but sometimes a hug is really the only promise you need.

Aria accosts Ezra in the hallway of his apartment. He tries to start off their conversation with normal salutations, like, “Hi, honey, how was your day?” But she leads with: “… the fuck is Maggie?” He’s sighs so big, says, “Remember when we fed Jackie Molina’s dead body into a wood chipper? It was like that, only Maggie was Jackie and my mom was me and you.” Aria is appeased for the moment, but only because she didn’t see the last couple of seasons of Gilmore Girls, so she doesn’t know there’s an Ezra-shaped toddler waiting in the wings, born with a head full of To Kill a Mockingbird quotes and a heart full of shipper malice.

Spencer calls Toby to tell him how much she misses him and how he’s the most important thing in her — wait, no. What’s that? Oh, just an email telling her UPenn has accepted her application at 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday. She forgets immediately about Toby and logic and smiles for real for the first time all season.

The Risen Mitten purchases a storage locker, into which she will no doubt deposit a lunch box inside of which is a doll head inside of which is a skeleton key inside of which is a cipher which, when decoded, leads to a specialty shoppe owned by an elderly hoarder with a tulip tattooed on his ass.

As always, an enormous thank you to my screencapping partner, Maggie, who may or may not be Ezbian’s long-lost lesbian daughter. Follow her on Twitter and find out for yourself.

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