The Kahn Game is underway and Aria and Noel are going at it:
Noel: Is it true that lesbians cry after sex? I know you know because you’re boning Ez—
Aria: You don’t know shit about scissoring, or when I even started doing it, but it wasn’t until after my lover took a job at Hollis College, I’ll tell you that right now. And speaking of lesbians, what’s your deal with Maya St. Germain?
Noel: Lesbian moves into the house where everyone goes to die? Come on. Everyone knew Maya. Have you ever engaged in anything more horrible than the time I played the guitar and you sang into my enormous face?
Aria: I actually have a lovely singing voice, it was you who made that so awkward. Where were you the night Ali’s body was stolen?
Noel: Jesus, obsessed with dead lesbians, much? I don’t even know where I was. Here, probably. Playing darts without my shirt off. Skinny-dipping with Jenna. Smiling so ferociously into the mirror it cracked. Have you ever made a purse out of a kitten?
Aria: You motherfucker! You know I only use full-grown animals for—
Aria runs outside and Spencer chases after her, trying to calm her down, but CeCe is right on their heels trying to do the exact opposite. She goes, “That was hot! But, look, you’re so much prettier than Jenna.” And isn’t that great? This show has never once in its whole life been about bitches stealing boys from bitches and girl hate and “oh, my pores are too big for my face” or whatever, so when CeCe says the kind of thing that would be just another line of dialogue on any other teen show, it hangs in the air like the bullshit it really is. Spencer and Aria both roll their eyes, and then Spencer heads back inside to Truth the hell out of Jenna.
Their game is actually even better.
Jenna: Why’s your mom defending Garrett?
Spencer: She thinks he’s innocent, and even though I have done everything in my actual power to prove the opposite thing, I have now decided Maya’s murderer was probably you. Where’d you find Emily on the Night of a Thousand Nights?
Noel: In the ’50s.
Spencer: The ’50s! I thought you said you found her in the street!
Jenna: Well, I didn’t lie about the part where she was blitzed off her ass. You do that to her?
Spencer: No, did you?
Jenna: No, where’s the video?
Spencer: Which video? There are literally hundreds of thousands of videos. I could spend the rest of my life cataloguing all those videos.
Jenna: Fuck you, you know which video.
Spencer: The one of you screwing your brother?
Jenna: You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you? You and Jason and flowers in the attic.
Spencer: You can have all the goddamn videos you want when you hand over Ali’s corpse.
They keep leaning closer and closer and closer to each other, and it is exhilarating!
Spencer’s ready to go home and cool her jets. No one’s ever stared into Jenna’s eyeballs that long. No one. But CeCe, of course, is going at it in the closet with Eric Kahn, so it takes a couple of minutes to track her down. Spencer is furious because there was no Ivy League admissions fair here like CeCe promised, but CeCe tells her to calm down. The admissions officers came ’round to collect applications during the two minutes when Aria and Spencer were outside hugging and hyperventilating. Spencer believes her for reasons she and I and you will never understand.