“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.09) — Space Ghost, Coast to Coast


After school, Emily, wearing the uniform of lesbianism, chases down Hanna and demands to know what they’re hiding from her. It’s been nothing but smiles and “life is great!”s for a full week now, and she knows that’s the prettiest little lie she’s ever heard. Hanna takes a deep breath, goes, “OK, look, don’t get mad, but you know how we’re sort of desensitized to watching our friends act out their most intimate moments on video, because of that porno of Ali we kept finding, frame-by-frame, in season one? Well, I guess that’s how we justified what we’ve been doing lately, which is watching videos of Maya basically doing you via poetry. We found them on her website page. Don’t get mad, I said! One of us deserves to be happy!” Emily is mad, though, because Aria is the one who gets to be happy, and anytime they start fucking around with that emotional ecosystem, somebody gets GLASS IN HER HAIR. Hanna hands over the password with an earnest apology.

On her way out of Dolce, Gabbana & Lebowitz, Ashley spots Pastor Ted. She tries to keep her head down and push past him, but he intercepts her and asks her to coffee sometime. “I promise I won’t drink it like Byron Montgomery,” he says. She shyly accepts his offer.

I did not mention this in the opening scene, but: Troian and Lucy own this episode. Have we ever seen them in as many one-on-one situations as this week? They play so well off of each other. It’s like everything on this show makes total sense watching them together like we’re about to see. Of course they’d go racing off into the night with no shoes and no phone and no car keys to try to save each other from whatever zombie apocalypse du jour, of course they’d cover up each other’s lies and step in for each other’s absent parents and nurse each other back to health and tell the hard truths and bite back the bitter retorts, and each would pretend like the other one knew how to dress herself. Right? Because that’s what it’s like to have a real, real, real best friend.

In this case, the outfit in question is for Spencer’s UPenn admissions party. Her basic idea is to mimic the academic dress of Oxford University, and for a hot second it looks like Aria is too wiped out about Wesbian to intervene. It’s not until Spencer pulls out Veronica’s best funeral dress — of which every lady in this town has at least one dozen — that Aria hops up and chooses a regular ol’ skirt and top. They flop back down on the bed and Aria sighs about how she didn’t realize Ezra’s family was East Egg-ian. “Look, I get it,” Spencer says. “Up until just last year, I was doing WASP black ops for my Grandma Bootsy in this very house. Shaving my dad’s sideburns, throwing out my mom’s yoga pants. One time Melissa tried to go out with this guy who’s dad owned a Dairy Queen. That one was a bloodbath.” They giggle and are adorable and the way Spencer uses air quotes when she’s explaining about the sideburns is just so great.

When CeCe pulls up at the UPenn party Aria and Spencer realize they’re in big time trouble, because the cabin where this thing is going down belongs to Noel Kahn and his brother. Can you even imagine those two side-by-side, making that face? You know the one I’m talking about. That one face Noel makes. Well, and so Spencer is like, “Just by virtue of this place being owned by more than one Kahn, it is eleven times more dangerous than Lost Woods Resort.” And that’s before they come to understand that they have to get stamped to get inside. Stamped on the wrist with a stamp that has been photographed on Maya St. Germain and Holden Strauss, the latter of which was with Emily on The Night of a Thousand Nights. Spencer clutches her application to her chest. It’s going to be a hot one in the old town tonight.

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