“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.05) — A Prayer for Paige McCullers

At Spencer’s, Aria is a little bit worried about how Ezra reacted to the turkey sandwiches she bought him earlier in the morning. Spencer goes, “Look, I feel you. One minute, you’re just trying to keep him from starving, and the next minute you’re stealing your sister’s engagement ring and pawning it in East Egg to buy him a truck. It’s a slippery slope.” Aria gets a text from Fitz saying he’s been invited to Jenna’s birthday party also. Jenna may be a modern feminist marvel, but she’s also never met a mind she didn’t want to f–k. She is such quality.

Emily is trying on clothes for Paige in the dark, apologizing about how they’ll have to see Katy Perry next week because of horrible Jenna’s horrible party. Paige is like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of you unbuttoning your shirt.” She offers to help Emily with her clip-on tie, but neither of them can get it to fasten onto Emily’s button-up. Paige goes, “It’s harder than it looks.” And Emily goes, “What? Your lady-boner?” They giggle and move apart so Emily can get a real tie out of her closet and Paige can root around in Emily’s dresser and find the flask from the night she went missing. Emily gives it to her as a gift, and I kind of think that’s a really weird present, but I also know you shouldn’t look a liquor horse in the mouth.

Spencer opens her front door and Hanna crawls in singing James Blunt in a whimper. “Goodbye, my lover! Goodbye, my friend!” Spencer’s like, “What’s with the regular teenager clothes?” Hanna snaps that she’s too depressed to work a zipper, and then the usual:

Spencer: It is the halfway point of the show, so I’d like to point out that everyone is “A.”
Hanna: Agreed.
Aria: “A”?

Spencer thinks Jenna’s party is some kind of ruse to get the whole town in one place at one time so Garett can use his compassion furlough to do some shady dealings. That actual plausible theory is overshadowed, however, by the ominous way Aria announces her intention to Do Something for once in her feather-lady life. She’s like, “Oh, I’m going to Jenna’s birthday, you guys. I’m going to attend the motherf–king hell out of it.” The camera lingers on her for ten minutes before it fades out to a commercial.

At the church rummage sale, a Luke Danes sort of fellow introduces himself to Ashley Marin, who has only stopped by to stuff some some sandwiches into Hanna’s mouth because she hasn’t eaten in weeks. He’s cute, but he has a penis and lives in Rosewood and so I am immediately suspicious of his intentions. Ashely is not. She invites him to do sexual things to her, kind of, by way of peanut butter cookie innuendo. (My second-favorite kind of innuendo.)

Ezra wants to take Aria out to a nice dinner in New Hope, but, as you know, she has already made clear her intentions to celebrate Jenna’s birth. Ezra for real goes, “Seriously?” And Aria explains that it was his influence that helped her see Jenna as a human being and not vendetta-seeking cyborg with a heart full of doom. As a reward for her empathy, Ezra gives her a brown paper bag! Hahaha! Like from those masks they made for his website page! Wait, no. That’s just the wrapping paper. Inside is one of those TLR cameras from back when “negatives” were actually a thing. She is overjoyed. He is overjoyed. But still they are going to Jenna’s birthday party.

At Rosewood General Hospital, Spencer is using her gold medal hide and seek skills to spy on Garrett’s compassion furlough. On the phone, she bitches to Emily about his every move: “He’s buying her wilted carnations, of course, because he’s the grim reaper of cheapass-ness. Oh! He’s writing her a card! Coma patients can’t read cards! I’ll bet it’s a message to A! I’ve got to find out — gah! I’ve been dimed out to the popos, gotta bounce!”

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