“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.04) — Cousin Lovin’

I, however, am not mad because it’s time for Aria and Hanna’s aforementioned puppy times. They discuss whether or not Aria would tell Ezra if “A” ever came after her for like once in her life, and Aria’s like, “Oh, yes. We process everything.” But then they get to work on a secret online dating profile for Ella. Apparently Aria’s website of choice is shovels.com, the homebase for every Rosewood serial killer. They settle on the username “HotMama” and are seriously about to set Ella up for coffee with an older, balder Ian Thomas when Ashley comes in and saves the day by telling them to try Grindr instead, because sometimes a single mom just wants to get laid.

This episode is even more time travel-y than usual. I don’t know what day it is or what time it is or what season it is. School! Hanna’s! School! Radley! Rear Window! Radley! But right now, it’s school and Spencer watches with concern as Jason tapes his “Missing: Dead Bitch’s Skeleton — $50,000 Reward” posters all over everyone’s lockers. She’s like, “Brother, people are just going to be after the money, you know.” And he’s like, “It won’t matter. Unlike you, I am a human lie-detector.” Spencer understands this to mean: “Unlike you, your sister is the Black Swan.” Because unlike regular human beings, Spencer understands every vaguery to be an accusation.

Nate’s back and he’s got two presents for Emily. One is a photo of herself that Maya sent/he forwarded to himself from her phone from True North. Emily’s like, “Yeah, I hired my best friend’s homeless boyfriend to un-jam the signals between our phones so I could send her that photo so she wouldn’t forget about me. But she did because of Jesus, I think. Or bisexuality.” The second present is a t-shirt imprinted with the I Walked With a Zombie poster from their first date. It’s so sweet and so sad! The music agrees! Emily tenderly, forlornly explains about their first date and jokes that they didn’t see much of the movie. Then Nate, this gross motherf–ker over here, he goes, “Sounds like my kind of date!” She’s talking about your dead cousin, you shitbird! How are you trying to hit on her right now?

These two clowns go on another date to talk about Maya some more, and I suppose this probably really is cathartic for Emily. Nate says that he’s a swimmer too, and I immediately yearn to see Paige kick his ass in an Olympic distance medley. He tells a story about how Maya couldn’t swim, so she learned to canoe so she wouldn’t be left out of anything during family trips to the lake. Too bad we didn’t know about that earlier; she could have helped Hanna drown Lucas. Emily is so happy to hear these Maya stories that she actually forgets how her life is a constant game of Woman vs. Wild, and she smiles. She smiles! Anyway, Nate bounces and leaves his book so he can have another meet-cute with Emily and say more gross things.

Hanna’s back at Radley even though the nurse told her she can’t visit Mona, but guess who can visit Mona? Detective Snape. Hanna is livid, but somebody is there to calm her down and that somebody is Good ol’ Doctor Psychiatrist Veterinarian Cardiothoracic Surgeon Wren. He’s like, “I know it’s hard, dating a guy who doesn’t understand why you want to spend every second of your day hanging out at a mental institution, but if you ever need someone who gets it, well, clearly I do.” Too bad Nate doesn’t have a British accent. Maybe his bullshit would have sounded better.

The Liars meet-up to debrief their individual days spent sleuthing, the result of which is the same as always: Multiple cuddles, zero answers. They decide they should head on up to Philly to search Melissa’s apartment, something they should have done years ago, honestly.

But before we get to that amazing thing, I have to tell you about this amazing thing: Ella and Ashley are on a date! They run into each other at Rear Window and strike up a conversation about normal things, like which of their daughters committed what murders this week. Ella’s like, “I’ve adopted Emily and I love her so much more than I’ve ever loved Aria.” Ashley goes, “Girl, I feel you.” From there, they talk about how far out of their ex-husbands’ leagues they are, and then Ashley fully invites Ella to have a threesome with her, just, “I’m going to have sex with this guy I met online. Want to join us? Or, I could cancel on him, and we could roll around in the bed together?” I know I’m not the only one who got that vibe from this scene, and seriously, just typing about it right now is making my foot tap frantically against the floor. How great would it be if that was a thing? HOW GREAT.

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