“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.03) — Untangled Spaghetti


Ezbian’s Hollow. Apparently Ezra Fitz has taken up TV recapping to supplement his income between teaching jobs because he slams his laptop shut, rubs his eyes, punches himself in the face, and says, “You used to be able to go a whole lifetime without someone threatening to kill you in your sleep over your opinions about a campy teenage dramedy. Now big concentrated blobs of rage are delivered hourly with the click of a mouse.” Aria makes out with him to take his mind off of it — which, protip: totally works — but crushes the mood because the snogging makes her think of Emily and Emily makes her think of how that A cat really exists and A makes her remember that her mom’s going to lose her job.

Aria goes, “Have you ever helped out a student?” And Ezra is like, “Why are you speaking like a Spencer? Ask me what you really want to ask me.” She confesses that her mom is probably going to teacher jail because of how she helped out Emily. Ezra smiles that heart-slaying smile and says, “It’s OK, Aria! I exist outside of our relationship this season! There’s no forcefield compartmentalizing us! I’ll do something helpful that involves other characters besides you!” It’s such a relief, to all of us. I mean, long live Ezrabian and everything, but how lovely/engaging to see them both shine outside of weather catastrophes.

When Hanna shows up at Radley, Mona is reading Vogue to the other mental patients like it’s a children’s book. It is easily the best image this show has ever given to us, those girls just sitting quietly around Mona in a circle while she reads, “…gel color—the indestructible, insta-drying polishes that withstand up to two weeks’ wear-and-tear, all the while remaining shiny and scratch-free—is now available in home kits.” Then she shows everyone the photos and continues reading. So good I can hardly stand it. When she sees Hanna she smiles sweetly and takes her for a turn about the asylum.

I could never do better than this, so here it is verbatim:

Mona: I drink a lot of water. My mouth is always really dry. It’s the pills. My mouth is really dry so I drink a lot of water, sort of like a cleanse. Do you want some water? 
Hanna: Er, no. I’m fine, thank you.
Mona: Me too.
Hanna: [With an amazing, half-serious/half-bamboozled expression] You seem really different from the last time I was here.
Mona: [Nods.] They changed what I was taking. What I’m taking now is different. And it makes my mouth really dry, and they won’t let you have gum. What is the deal with that?

Then Mona literally goes, “Let’s be honest, we’ve had our ups and downs.” Our ups and downs! Hahaha! Our ups and downs! “Let’s be honest, I was having a really crabby day when I assaulted you with my car, kidnapped your therapist, trapped Emily in a barn with carbon monoxide, cut the brakeline on Toby’s truck, ruined your dad’s wedding, stole Ian’s dead body, and sent over Moo-Shu Pork with worms in it. But besties forever, right?” She also says even though she’s catatonic half the time, she knows what’s going on. She goes, “You’ll always have me. I’m not going to forget any of you” like she’s Jesus. Maybe she is. I kind of hope she is. Either way, Janel Parrish is a god. She’s essentially playing seven different characters right now, and all of them are perfect.

As Hanna’s leaving Radley, she spies Lucas going in to see Mona. And then she spies Caleb spying on her. He badmouths Mona and she gets all up in his nut about it. She’s like, “Look, that girl in there right now? That girl is insane in the good way, the best friend way! She was talking about DIY nail gel and how she’s the Master of the Universe! Like she used to do before she hit me with her car!” There’s an actual record-scratching noise as that last part slaps Caleb’s brain in the face. He goes, “Hang on, she’s the one who ran over you with a car?” Hanna rolls her eyes, because no. Mona actually ran under her with a car.

They have to cut their fight short because here comes Lucas, acting nuttier than an oak tree growing Snickers bars. Hanna’s like, “Dude, what are you doing here? You haven’t had a bath in weeks; did Mona even allow you into her presence?” He shouts about how Mona is going to catch them all in her death bag if she ever gets out of Radley, and then he scampers off into the night, howling at the moon and pawing at his fleas.

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