“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.03) — Untangled Spaghetti

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, the walls of Rosewood segregation collapsed and the whole show benefited from it. Emily got a storyline with Ezra and Ella, Hanna got a storyline with Wren, Jenna actually asked to interact with a Liar on purpose, and Mona was your sweetest dream, your most beautiful nightmare.

Now that the Liars know Jenna can see, they’re taking great precautions not to arouse her suspicions when they form their morning trust circle to talk about what a horrible human being she is. Instead of doing it three feet in front of her face, they do it four feet in front of her face. Hanna’s like, “Just watching her read braille makes me sick!” “Imagine having to fake it for so long,” says Emily, like a former man-dating lesbian who found her way. Tired of watching them watch her, Jenna closes her book and click-clacks away.

The Liars talk about how Spencer’s family only speaks in clipped, cryptic phrases and ominous half-threats, so there’s no telling how long it will be before her mom can form a full sentence to let Spencer know she’s defending a serial killer. Hanna has been robbing Aria’s closet, I guess, because one minute she’s dressed like if the Easter Bunny had a humanoid child with any old bohemian from the East Village, and the next minute she’s dressed like a real estate agent from The Kingdom of Caring. Maybe it’s because it’s time for the Liars to stand together and Care Bear Stare Lucas into taking a shower.

Lucas runs through the halls pushing over more people than a girl pretending to be destitute of vision. Hanna finds him in a classroom setting fire to a principal’s note reprimanding him for having a bad attitude. He is taking his breakup with Caleb really hard. Hanna’s like, “Loving legitimately insane people is kind of my deal. Hold still while I give you a makeover.” But he does not hold still! He runs from the room hollering, “Doooooom and damn you all!” When Caleb rushes in to put out the trash can fire, he acts like it’s the most dangerous thing he’s ever seen in his life — which is a pretty good indicator that Hanna’s been sugar-coating all her bitching about A.

I don’t know what was going on with the title credits last night, but it sounded like all accordion and no voices. I thought maybe it was on purpose, but the regular song was back when the show went up on Hulu this morning.

Anyway, Hanna and Caleb head on over to Rear Window Brew for a tasty treat. Caleb is like, “Just so we’re clear, I don’t want you seeing Mona anymore. I’m not trying to boss you around, but I’m a little worried she’s going to put your head in her mouth like a lion and chomp off your face.” Hanna smiles sweetly and goes, “It’s so cute how you think you can tell me my business.”

Aria and Jenna are walking arm-in-arm down the hallway, and like I’ve said a million times before, Lucy Hale has chemistry even with inanimate objects, so AriaBot is now a thing I’m shipping. Jenna invites Aria over after school to play some music and throw some pottery and maybe take a roofied ride around town in her monster truck. She goes, “See you there, Aria!”

And in the lunchroom Emily is like, “See you there? Those were her exact words? What a bitch.” Emily’s got bigger problems, though. For example, she scored a 94 on her English makeup test, which sends her into an anxiety spiral. Hanna scowls at Spencer and says, “Look what you’ve done!” But Emily explains that there’s no way she made a 94 because she didn’t finish the test because she was too busy remembering her vodka-fueled romp around Rosewood with Jenna. She says, hilariously, that this is the “last thing” she needs people thinking about her. OK, because it’s cool if people think you murdered your best friend and your girlfriend, buried your therapist alive, burned down the old DiLaurentis place, and helped your buddy drown a hobbit, but what will it do to your reputation if your classmates think you cheated on a test?

Really, though, I think Emily is just f–king tired of the Lies.

Aria goes, “Guys, are we getting paranoid, though?” And the Liars go, “Get back to us when you realize we’ve been under attack by an invisible sociopathic wizard for three seasons.”

Caleb tries to talk to Lucas like Hanna asked him to do, but Lucas is suddenly saying words like his last name is Hastings. He’s like, “I feel like I know you, but sometimes my arms bend back. Where I’m from, the birds sing pretty, and there’s always music in the air. Bubble gum?” So Caleb leaves because Hanna might collect stray puppies, but that doesn’t mean he has to bring them to her doorstep in a wagon.

Emily corners Ella to talk about her grade, like, “Mrs. Montgomery, hi. Listen, every word I say is being recorded at all times by some sort of surveillance device, so for the record, did you cheat on my behalf so I wouldn’t fail 11th grade?” Ella smiles, looks right into the camera: “Yes, Emily. Cheating for you is a thing a did. Something about sitting in that chair in that classroom makes a teacher feel things for her students. In this case, it was maternal, but I could see how a handsome young lesbian with a heart of gold and an unnatural attachment to The Great Gatsby might get confused.” (Shay Mitchell, how are you getting even more gorgeous?)

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